


Everybody Wants To Rule The World

by lostinthesounds



Category: The 100 (TV), To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Lara Jean Covey - Freeform, Modern Setting, Peter Kavinsky - Freeform, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, and bellarke, bellarke is endgame, cause im a sucker for covinsky, to all the boys i’ve loved before
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-04 00:45:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15830289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinthesounds/pseuds/lostinthesounds
Summary: Clarke finally manages to get all five letters in the box and shoved it under her bed, only to quickly cover it with a blanket and throw some hair pins for good measure."Nothing”OR, when Clarke’s five most precious love letters get delivered to the five most special boys she’s ever met, and she has to accept the chaos that comes with reality. When Clarke and Nathan Miller decide to fake date, she doesn’t expect to fall in love with Bellamy Blake for real.(A Bellarke AU based ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’)





	1. things change

**Author's Note:**

> Because I'm hopelessly devoted to these two ships as Lara Jean is with her love letters. I couldn't get this out of my head and decided to try it out. I honestly hope you guys enjoy, I'm having an absolute blast writing this and hope it can make someone smile as this movie did for me.  
> Some plot points are changed from the movie and books, but that doesn’t mean bellamy and clarke won’t find their way back to eachother again. Cheers to a new adventure with a fake boyfriend, mean ex-best friend and how Clarke deals with her heart being sent out into the world. 
> 
> :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Once again-" Clarke shakes her head almost violently. "No." 
> 
> "You'll meet new people who aren't your sister." 
> 
> "That's exactly what I'm afraid of."

it really wasn't fair when the universe made Clarke Griffin fall for Wells Jaha, especially when he's her best friend, and her sister's boyfriend.  _completely bias._

 

 _ **HE WAS**_ dark, tall and a smile as bright as the sun. 

 

Like the boys in  _Forbidden Love_ where the girls would swoon with every step and bat of their seemingly long eyelashes, and eyes that sparkle no matter what time of day it was. (Madi interrupted Clarke before she could finish the last chapter, it was a shame.)

 

Perfect.

 

Wells has that effect on her sister, and embarrassingly Clarke too. Much to her discontent because she would never admit that to anyone. 

 

Clarke knows that she probably has engulfed herself in _way too many_  romance novels, that she doesn't catch when her head is resting in the palm of her hands and a glimmer fills her eyes. It's like she's in a trance around him, and then it magically stops. 

 

"Griffin!" Wells exclaims, his left hand was raised to give a high five which Clarke gladly returns. 

Although, he walks away with Roma's name on his lips before she could even say hello. 

 

So she doesn't say anything and starts to stare again. 

 

* * *

 

A few minutes pass, and the next thing Clarke knew, Wells had been carrying the  _burnt_ chicken to the table. Of course, he would stay for the last dinner of the summer including her sister. 

"Huh, that's funny-" Abby Griffin starts, her fingers wrapped tightly around the knife as she tries to dig deeper into the flesh that sounds like she's cutting into a rock and smells like smoke. "This usually cuts after a few swipes." 

Clarke's nose scrunches with the smell, seconds away from complaining but Roma beats her to it. 

"I'll just go get the electric knife from the kitchen." 

"Sweetheart it's fine, I'll just get Wells-" 

Roma stands as her seat screeches back. "It'll take two minutes." 

She leaves the room, and Clarke turns her attention to her mother who clears her throat. It was quiet, as Clarke waits for her to speak so she stares at the trees swaying in the window behind Wells. It was the largest window in the house, with four square frames painted white. 

"I'm gonna miss her." 

Clarke turns to face her mom, afraid to nod her head so she lies.

"It'll be thanksgiving in no time, I''m not worried" 

"About that," Abby flattens her hands on the white tablecloth that sets the old wooden table, and leans back. Nerves fill Clarke's mind and her fingers tingle with the possibility of some horrible news. "Roma's not returning until Christmas." 

It passed their mothers lips with ease, like she practiced settling for disappointment. 

Clarke's mouth gapes, "Christmas!" 

She can't distract herself any longer, so she's entirely focused on how her life would be without her big sister. It was a realization of five months without Roma, five months without movie nights or baking cookies at midnight. 

It seemed so wrong. 

"Scotland is too far for a two trips in the span of a month-"

Madi speaks up for the first time, and Clarke notices how the braid shifts on her shoulder as she slumps in her chair. 

"So that means more time with Clarke?" 

She spoke like it was a bad thing, so it makes her stick her tongue out. Just because Madi was her little sister, doesn't mean Clarke has to be nice and she kinda likes the power. 

"I'm not happy about that either, you know?" 

Suddenly, Roma comes back into the room and decides to join in. The tray in her hands was filled with cut up pieces of a crisp chicken, and the smallest smirk on her face made Clarke realize that she probably had another one baking.  _She knows so much, practically everything._ Everyone knows her mother was a horrible cook but she's been trying ever since dad died.

Maybe, cooking with love would replace the feeling their father gave them. 

Or maybe, it was because she was barely home. It's complicated, Clarke reassures herself. 

"At least, it'll give Clarke time to practice driving" Abby says with a gesture of her hands. 

"By doing what?" 

"Driving Madi to school, it starts in a few days." 

Madi was the first to react, "She'll endanger my safety!" 

Her face was wide eyed and slight humor, and that's when Roma appears next to Clarke and in between her sisters to prevent anything from happening. A few pieces of chicken get placed on her plate, and it makes Clarke realize that she'll soon have that role to replace for Madi. She swallows hard, the lump in her throat grows. 

Clarke rolls her eyes and scoffs, " _You_ can take the bus then." 

Roma gives them both a look, and adds some chicken to Madi's plate. 

"How did this start?" 

"Mom brought up Clarke driving, and I was just saying that it _sucks"_

"You suck." Clarke fires back, only to realize how childish she sounded. She blames Madi. Wholeheartedly. Honestly, it's her fault everytime. 

She hears a deeper voice from across the table, and it's Wells. 

"We were also talking about airplanes, and-" He reaches in his jacket pocket and takes out a rectangular folded piece of paper and extends his hand to give it to Roma. She sets the plate down with cautious eyes, they're both nervous. Clarke could tell with his shaky voice and her tense frame. "-trips." 

Roma takes the paper and unfolds it's creases, and a sharp breath is heard. 

"Wells?" 

"It's a plane ticket, I've been planning to buy it since you told me you wanted to go to Scotland." He's so smiley. 

"You-" Roma freezes, and Clarke feels anything but happy. "You bought this already?" 

How could she be? Wells wants to go to Scotland with her sister. 

_Bury those feelings deep down._

_Don't be sad._

Wells sits up straighter, his head still. 

"Yeah I did. Aren't you happy?" 

The table goes silent until Abby says in a low but excited voice. 

"Look at Wells stepping up!" 

Even Clarke was hoping that Roma would just smile at him and tell Wells that she's over the moon happy to have him join her for a little while, just so she could stop seeing his mouth frown deeply. Then, she realizes that she's not happy because of their relationship. 

It's because Wells was her best friend, the guy she'd ask stupid 'Would You Rather' games with on the bleachers in the field. 

She's sad when Roma takes Wells outside to talk. 

She's sad when Roma starts to raise her voice and Wells begins to yell. 

Terribly so, she feels everything get worse when she's watching from her bedroom window, hiding behind her blue sheer curtains that don't do anything but look like nice decor. 

Clarke sees the good will box in the corner of her room, the one specifically marked with her name in big bold letters because it was Roma's idea. 

She can get rid of old clothing, jewelry and toys. 

But Clarke didn't know that Roma Griffin would feel the same way about a person. 

* * *

 

She writes letters. 

A helpless pool of emotions that Clarke can't help but drown in. 

The thing is that she feels more than she understands. 

A declaration of love and confession filled with words she'd never say but uses every ounce of her soul to write. 

Her love letters were apart of who she was, of who Clarke became because of her powerful heart. 

That's the sole reason why she doesn't tell anyone, not even Roma or Madi. 

She likes to think she's been in love before, so she doesn't stop herself when she sits cross-legged on her floor. Clarke is surrounded by hair pins, notepads, and pairs of jeans and skirts because the closet is too far in the morning. 

But the door is wide-open, along with her teal box. 

After a while - in reality, a few minutes - she grabs the letter she wrote to Wells when they were freshman in high school. It doesn't seem like it's been three years but it has. There's a small flicker of excitement and something else she can't recall just yet, but her thumb caresses the purple cursive writing of his name. 

There's a stamp from the local postal office, and it means nothing. 

It's something she never intends to send out, but drama seems thrilling when it was just one person. Herself. 

"What are you doing?" 

A sudden voice speaks, and Clarke's head turned so fast that her ponytail smacks her right in her face, and her hands are randomly searching for all five envelopes on the soft rug only to recognize it was Roma. 

Her sister wants to push the frantic look on Clarke's face, but she was too emotionally drained about Wells and they both knew it. Roma had bunched tissues in her hand, and her eyes were still slightly puffy and red. 

Clarke finally manages to get all five letters in the box and shoved it under her bed, only to quickly cover it with a blanket and throw some hair pins for good measure. 

"Nothing." 

"Whatever." 

Roma climbs onto Clarke's bed, pulls the covers back and grabs a small square pillow to wrap her arms around. She doesn't say another word, and Clarke gets into the covers on the other side of the bed. Suddenly, the bright colors painted on her walls were so ironic to how the situation darkened with a sadness. 

"I broke up with Wells." 

Clarke sits up quickly, she's shocked. Those two love eachother, and she breaks things off. It made no sense. 

"What?" 

Everything was a surprise to Clarke today, it never ended. 

Roma adjusts under the covers to make herself seem okay, "I broke up with him, that's why it took so long." 

Clarke still can't wrap her mind around the news so she just stares at her. 

"But you love him." 

_It's true. Everyone knows it._

"I know." 

"But why? He loves you back Roma, he'll _always_ love you" 

Roma's face is blank with the emotions she's struggling with. She had to say it, to give herself a reason. A valid one too. 

"When dad died-" Clarke notices Roma grip the pillow a little harder. "He told me to not have a boyfriend when I leave for college" 

"Did he tell you why?" 

"I-I shouldn't be attached to someone before I start something new." 

Clarke nods but focuses her eyes on the wall in front of her. It didn't seem awkward to have these types of talks with her sister but it was difficult to understand someone else who knew Wells so much, and how bad it would hurt the both of them. 

She had to fix this, for Roma's happiness and for Wells. 

"You should pack up that 'Good Will' box with donations." Roma says, taking Clarke away from her thoughts. Her eyes quickly follow where her sister's had gone and she knew the box was empty. 

"I have nothing to get rid off" 

"Clarke, your room is a mess." 

"It's _my_  room." She replies with a nudge to her sister's laying form. It was so easy to talk like this, and it's when Clarke feels a hint of pain stab her in the heart because things like this won't happen for the next five months. 

Roma sits up and starts talking. 

"I'm leaving tomorrow, and I made mom get me some donation boxes for the stuff I don't need and I just think it'll be good for you too." 

Both of them look around to notice the clutter of Clarke's room, and a point is certainly made. 

"I'll think about it." 

"Clarke, starting tomorrow afternoon, you're the biggest sister in the house. You need to set a good example for Madi, and that means no more gorging on chips before dinner. Absolutely no midnight baking, or doing her homework. You'll have responsibilities." 

This is when Clarke should feel scared, and she does, but she wants to joke. 

That's the difference between Roma and Clarke. 

"Why can't I bake with Madi?"  _Like she'd actually wanna do it with her._

"She's already crazy on adrenaline and being a kid. She isn't the oldest in the house." 

Clarke just smiles softly as she teases. 

"Can we go back to you being sad about Wells?" 

She's surprised when she doesn't get a pillow to the face, but a smile in return. 

They really are gonna miss eachother, and Clarke wishes that everything will be okay. 

 

* * *

 

"Madi and I are gonna get a some magazines for your flight, we'll be back" 

Clarke nods as her mother and Madi walk away, but she hasn't said anything since they left the house. It all was so real now. 

She's alone with Roma who also has stayed quiet with a sorrow in every word she's spoken. 

"Don't forget us." 

"How could I ever?" 

Clarke's hands are tucked into her jean pockets and her fingers clench the material. 

" _Well,_ you're gonna be off to pubs with your Scottish college friends eating haggis with them at every restaurant you find and soon you'll forget about us indefinitely-" 

Roma laughs and places her hands on Clarke's shoulders to calm her rambling. 

"I will never eat haggis." 

Clarke bites her lip, not knowing if it's trembling. 

"You're gonna be okay, Clarke." 

"You're gonna be in Scotland." 

"Can you stop bringing up Scotland!" 

It's not that she wants Roma to feel terrible about going to a school so far away, but she doesn't want to be alone. 

"Who's gonna sit with me at lunch?" 

"Make new friends-" 

"Nope"

"Talk to people, Clarke."

"Once again-" Clarke shakes her head almost violently. "No." 

"You'll meet new people who aren't your sister." 

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of." 

Suddenly, Madi and their mother come back and it's like old times. It doesn't feel like Roma is leaving with a stack of ten unnecessary magazines about sports and health pressed to her chest. It doesn't feel like Clarke will have to be Roma to take care of Madi the right way, or having to wait to see her face until Christmas Eve. 

It gets ruined though. 

The next thing Clarke knows, she had a arm wrapped around Madi's shoulders as she's being held by her mother. Roma passes through the security gates to start this crazy journey of life that she chose for herself and Madi asks a simple question. 

"Do you think she'll turn around?" 

Clarke tries to imagine it. She really does, picturing what it'll look like if Roma runs back out and into the car and chooses to go to a school in Washington where it's much closer to them. Much closer to Wells. 

But she doesn't. 

And she knows it won't happen. 

It's not Roma to avoid an adventure. 

She knows that avoiding Wells doesn't solve what happened between him and her sister. 

But she does it anyways because he wasn't hers. There was a contrast to the way she feels for him now, it doesn't feel like love but more like a crime if she ever made a move on Wells when he was with Roma. It feels even more wrong to do it when he's not with Roma. So, she passes him in the hallways when she knows that he's looking and keeps walking. Even if it hurts. 

It's also why she doesn't catch when she bumps into someone and almost spins herself to the ground. 

" _Hey!"_

"Oh my god, I'm so-" 

Clarke turns to see Gina Martin. It's her bad luck really, and the universe hates her. She's convinced because it's the same Gina that left her to dust as she joined the popular crowd in high school. The same girl that teases other girls for their clothing, and Clarke thought that maybe she'd be an exception since there was history and honestly didn't mean to bump her into the lockers. 

"Oh. It's you." Gina spits out. 

"I didn't mean to bump into you Gina, sorry." 

She doesn't take the apology well, as she snickers and her eyes travel down to Clarke's boots. 

She'll find anything to _complain_ and make fun of, and it so happened to be her heeled combat black boots from Macy's. 

"You've always been clumsy, I'm not surprised." 

Clarke doesn't let herself get angry or the slightest bit of offended, so she just nods with her tongue inbetween her teeth. 

"But I should say,  _Thank you for your service."_ Gina mocks with her hand flat against her forehead and salutes. Her mouth is twitched upwards in a smile, more like a smirk if she'd describe it. 

Clarke shifts her weight on the balls of her feet and then points her right foot to actually observe if she looked like a soldier. She thought it was a cute outfit, paired with a beige fabric skirt and a white blouse tucked into it. A leather jacket made it better, in her opinion. 

The words get stuck in her throat but then she hears a all too familiar voice behind her. 

An arm wraps around Clarke's shoulder and pulls her close. 

"Hey cousin, I'm sure Clarke is appreciative of your words, I _really_ am. But her boots are hot, and make her legs look great." Raven pauses to dramatically look down at Gina's pair of black knee high boots. "I can't say the same for you in those....Uggs."

_Thank god for Raven._

Raven's personality automatically comes off as playful with any person she meets, but she always finds a way to irk Gina until she breaks and Clarke is grateful for the attention to be taken off her in front of her biggest enemy. 

"I'll have you kn-" 

 She thinks Gina was her biggest obstacle to get over, but then a head of black curls comes into view and she sees him before his own girlfriend does. Her heart _accidentally_  stops before she realizes that he's speaking. Gina visibly relaxed as Bellamy's arms wrap around her from behind. Oh great, Clarke thinks. Now she has to talk to Bellamy Blake, when all she wanted to do was get to Calculus which happened to be down the hall. 

"Hey babe, what's going on here?"  Bellamy says, and then he starts to sway them back and forth to relax her. He had no idea what was actually going on, but he knew he had to stop her before she got angry with him too. 

"Nothing important." Her eyes flash to Clarke's. Like it was her fault for existing. 

"Really?" Bellamy argues, his gaze switching from Raven to Clarke. He knew those girls never started trouble with nobody else but always managed to be involved with Gina. It was the first day of school, and Gina's already mad at someone. 

Clarke knows it's dangerous to stare at him, but he's in a blue collared shirt and black jeans. The first button is undone, and his curls are observantly soft against the skin on his forehead that it touches his ears. So, she looks away and smiles at Raven. She also wonders if Bellamy thinks it's always her fault when it came to Gina's anger issues, but she doesn't know him like that. 

"Just thanking Clarke Griffin on her service with her military boots. Let's get to class." Gina doesn't spare them a second look and walks down the hallway, Bellamy knowing he'll probably have to jog to catch up to her. 

Why?

Because the words of an apology are dancing on the tip of his tongue as he locks eyes with Raven and his eyes crease together to express his understanding of a topic he wasn't even there to discuss. He sees Clarke with her legs crossed as she leans on her best friend - At least, Bellamy knows that about her - and his brown eyes watch for any sudden moves and she's the one avoiding his gaze. He analyzes her up and down, trying to figure out the switch that triggers his girlfriend but he looks once more and walks away. She was always interesting to him, maybe even more than anyone else. 

Clarke couldn't meet his eyes, she knows he's trying to be nice unlike Gina. 

But that's Bellamy Blake. 

The second recipient of her love letters because she kissed him in seventh grade. 

That's Gina's Bellamy.   


	2. back-seat driving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If that's what it takes then I think you're stuck with me." 
> 
> "Sadly," and Clarke knows she's joking but then Madi props herself up again. "What about the guy you almost killed at school today?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when you realize that you are way too invested. Enjoy!

Talking to Wells Jaha shouldn’t be this awkward. 

Nowadays, Clarke thinks back to when they were closer and it seems so far back in time. He was the guy she’d come to for advice to handle her sisters, or the person she’d go to for algebra homework help. They’d spend hours studying together, with a tiny pile of soda cans and chip bags on the floor next to his desk. 

She doesn’t experience those anymore and it all started when he had feelings for Roma. He would have continuous heart eyes in her sister’s direction, and she faintly remembers when he almost crashed his green bike when he saw her walk out in a skirt for the first time. 

(She had to stop his bike for him.) 

She doesn’t ever want to exclude Roma from anything Wells related, but she broke up with him so she knows she can’t say anything about what he asks her. 

“Did she tell you?” 

Clarke shifts her weight on the bench and her bag starts to slide down her shoulder, but she shakes her head. “No, she didn’t.”

”I had to ask, aren’t sisters supposed to tell eachother everything?” He fixes the headphone in his ear from falling out. 

He’s looking at her now. 

Clarke feels so bad that her lips flatten into a thin line, but she won’t break his gaze right then. Roma did infact tell her everything, but she guessed Wells was so sudden that she couldn’t get herself to do it.

“She didn’t tell me this, I swear.” 

Her and Wells were huge on keeping promises, it was essential for trust to be built between them as kids. That was how they were attached by the hip. 

She was being honest. 

She reaches in her bag to grab the small plastic tin of carrots that got her thrown out of the library that morning, and snaps open the lid. 

“Want one?” 

He nods after some time, grabbing two instead of one and that’s when Clarke bites her tongue from saying that Roma still cares but she’s scared. 

She just prays the carrots make him feel a bit better as they sat in silence. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Sixth grade is awesome!" 

Clarke doesn't say anything but only ushers her over joyed sister to the red civic a few feet away. 

Sometimes, Madi talks too much and Clarke's day was barely as eventful so it sort of hurt her teenage ego. Not that she had a very big one in the first place. 

"-Mindy wanted to sit next to me during lunch, but Harper had asked me during English the class before and then I got asked by some girl I saw in science class, so I _obviously_ didn't know what to do. I ended up rotating and dividing my time to sit with all three and it was like I was popular." Madi exclaims with a movement of her hands in all directions and a bright smile that hurt her cheeks and ached her jaw. 

Clarke unlocks the car doors with a swift press of a button on her keys, and she realizes it's probably the only thing she did well when it came to driving a moving vehicle with four wheels. She throws her backpack in the backseat before telling Madi to put on her seat belt, and she hears the pat of a small hand hitting a plastic helmet painted blue and pastel pink. 

"You're kidding me right?" She turns and gasps. 

Her little sister brought a helmet to strap on as she drove, and Clarke doesn't know if she should be embarrassed or supportive of something she should probably have on herself. She wasn't the best at driving. 

"We're in a parking lot full of cars and I don't wanna die." 

Clarke rests her hand against her forehead and sighs. _This girl_

"I can't believe you don't trust me. I-I drove you here with morning!" Clarke expressed with a huff of desperation and her hands grip the steering wheel. 

Madi shrugs, "I do, but not alot..." 

Clarke hears the seatbelt click and she puts the car in gear. Her foot steps on the gas pedal slowly, trying to show her little sister that she can drive and won't put her in immediate danger with a simple gear change. At least she was honest? 

The car moves in reverse, and with every turn of the wheel, she feels pride build in her mind. She could do this, she could drive herself home and not have to worry about anything but her hands moving. She's seconds away from stopping the car for a quick mere pause to boast herself in front of Madi. Clarke was close to bursting with happiness because she did it again, but it had only been six hours since the last time she drove. 

Maybe it wasn't a good idea. 

It's not like a person could forget how to press on two car pedals and look in rear view mirrors, or turn right and left on a busy street. 

_Right?_

Totally. 

"Clarke!-" 

"Wh-" Clarke gets stopped by the sudden object that she hits. She has no idea who it was, or what it is but her foot presses hard on the brakes that the car jumps a fraction of an inch.  _Oh no, I totally forgot how to drive in six hours._

Madi starts to giggle, her hands gripping in her helmet. And not because she almost got hurt, she was laughing at how fast things changed. 

Clarke's face hardened, her back straight as she prepares to confront the thing she hit. She also decides that she'll never drive again and that the bus sounded like a extremely good idea. 

A fist knocks on her driver side window and her pointer finger on her right hand reaches down to press the button that lowers it. It seemed so slow, like time had been standing still to embarrass Clarke Griffin, and it worked. 

"Hey." A rasp was hinted with the dark voice filling the air next to her. 

Oh god. 

She knows. 

She hit him. 

Bellamy, she hit Bellamy Blake with her car. 

_Nudged is the right term. Or bumping. But now it sounded sexual._

"Hi." Clarke swallows but still doesn't look at him. She doesn't know if it's the wind passing by, but she feels something like breathing right next to her ear. 

"How are you?" 

"Good,  _good..._ you?" 

He nods and she almost doesn't see it because she's so unfocused. "Do you think you'll be able to leave the parking lot? Or do you need some orange cones?" Bellamy asks with humor clearly evident, and Clarke suddenly remembers how flirty he was in seventh grade. 

" _Ha ha,_ Very funny. But I'm fine." 

Clarke wouldn't dare finish her thought as his arm rests on her window sill. She wonders if his skin is burning from the sun blaring down on them in that moment. 

She sighs and finally looks at him, she needed courage. She also hit him with her car and figured she should apologize. 

"Sorry, about the whole-" one of Clarke's hands loosens it's grip on the steering wheel to gesture to the back end of her red civic. "-Hitting you with my car." 

"I'm fine." Bellamy mocks her previous words, and there's a glimmer in his eyes that Clarke takes notice of. It looks like they were made for the sun to shine in them, making them a deep brown instead of soft. She can't, won't get lost in them. She doesn't miss his nose scrunching up when he smirks a little. 

"You-" Clarke stutters and her head flinches back as if she desperately wants him to go. Like, he hasn't already burned her with his seventh grade mouth that made her fall for him in the first place. "You should... _like_....go."

She could see his tongue poke in his cheeks like he's deciding something tougher than accepting her apology. 

It shouldn't be so hard. 

"Sure. I'll go," A gasp leaves Clarke's lips when he leans into the car and she hears him say, “But she’s in charge now.” 

Her hands grip the steering wheel so hard that she’s not sure if her knuckles are white, but she could smell whatever shampoo he used with his ink curls so close to her face. Bellamy moves away quickly, and she breathes the breath she was holding on. 

The moment that Clarke knows he's meters away and out of sight, she rests her hands in her lap and just stares out the front window. Her heart needed to stop racing with everything that just happened. 

"What are you doing?" 

Clarke simply shrugs her shoulders and stays numb for a few more passing seconds. 

"Oh, we're staying until this lot is empty." 

She's pretty sure she hears Madi sighs louder than her mind racing with thoughts. 

_His stupid eyes. His smirk._

Of course, she's the one to almost run over Bellamy Blake. 

Out of all the people in her school, in the parking lot, in her _life._

* * *

__

"Madi!" Clarke whines, reaching to the side of the couch and grabs the bucket of popcorn before her sister eats the entire thing. She's complaining for a important cause, which happens to be food. It's arguable because it's necessary to survive as a human being. Essential. 

"Stop hogging all the popcorn, it's late." 

"You're the one that let me stay up to watch this, Clarke..." She truly stumped her older sister there. Their mother had been called for a emergency c-section for one of her patients in the hospital outside of the small town. Clarke was technically the adult, but a carefree and selfless - selfish in the mind of Madi - older sister. 

It's been a week since Roma left, and Clarke wonders what she would say to her in that moment.  _Clarke Griffin! turn off the television and pack up your books for school tomorrow! junior year is extremely crucial for college._

She cringes with the thought, and it causes her to sit upright. 

A finger is pointed in Madi's direction with a small smile, "You got me, but _seriously_..." She reaches to pull the popcorn to her chest and wrap her arms around it to clutch it. "It's mine now." 

"How many episodes have we watched?" 

"It's re-runs of the 'Golden Girls', does it matter?" 

Clarke watches as her sister moves into a different position and their elbows touch. Madi leans her weight onto her arm as it keeps her head up, and suddenly the pillow seems too small for the both of them. It was silent for a few seconds, but Madi jumps up with a big grin. 

"Hey Clarke?" 

"Hmm?" 

"If you had a boyfriend then you wouldn't have to drive me to school cause he'll take us places." 

Clarke's hand tangles in her hair, it was just as surprisingly soft as her own sister saying that a relationship would fix everything. The idea of being in love was scary and she's never had a boyfriend. 

"If that's what it takes then I think you're stuck with me." 

"Sadly," and Clarke knows she's joking but then Madi props herself up again. "What about the guy you almost killed at school today?" 

Oh no. 

There's a big problem with that and Clarke wishes Roma was here. She was older and most likely wiser when it came to boys. She doesn't understand why but she's pouting when she fiddles with her fingers. There was just a smile on her face.   

"He's dating Gina..." 

Yeah, she doesn't get why she's so soft spoken. 

Madi is adjusting herself under the blanket since she's moved around so much on the blue couch. There's something else written on her face, and it's more of a sorrow and understanding because Gina is a handful. Madi remembers when Clarke came home a weeping mess in eighth grade because Gina had stopped talking to her, and the poor girl had tear stains on most of the living room pillows. 

"So, It's not just _that"_

Clarke mistakenly shrugs and tilts her head and then all of her focus is on what her little sister has to say. 

"Don't you find it _kind_ of depressing..." Madi starts as her words drag out, even as her head lays on the shared pillow. "-that it's Sunday night and you're watching the Golden Girls with your little sister?" 

Clarke shakes her head, "No, because I love the show and I love you Madi." 

She was being honest because family is important, and always will be. So that's why she reached over and tickled Madi's shoulder because it was weak spot and it earned her a giggle that was a nice distraction. 

"Okay," Madi says, and she's fully honest this time. "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but I had to cancel plans for you." 

Clarke's eyes widen because how can a twelve year old have more social skills than her? And she's pretty sure that Madi didn't even tell their mother about her plans so it doesn't settle well. 

"You what?" It was a shock and her head moves to rest on her forearm. 

"I mean no harm," Madi puts her hands up to surrender but continues. "But you're almost seventeen and you had no other plans tonight, right?" 

Clarke's mouth feels dry but she can't do much about it besides close her mouth. She couldn't believe how harsh her own sister was being, but she hates how true it was. Raven was out of town and couldn't spend time together and that's when Clarke thinks that maybe she needs more friends. 

"That was harsh Mads!"

"I guess the truth hurts sometimes." 

Madi reaches for the popcorn and pops some into her mouth with a satisfied grin. 

Clarke doesn't know what to think, so she doesn't think at all and just sits back. 

Just in time for the ending credits for the episode to roll. 

(She needs more friends- _if only she was less socially awkward._ ) 

“Roma would make you apologize to me, I want you to know that.” 

Madi doesn’t move, “She’s not here to do that, sorry.” 

There’s sadness laced in the undertones of both their voices. 

 

Later on that night, a realization dawned on Madi. Like she said before, her first intention is to never hurt Clarke. 

But she knows about the letters. It was accidental, where she was reaching on her tiptoes to reach a old cardigan that didn't fit Clarke anymore but looked good with her printed leggings and she wanted to look cooler than usual. 

It happened a few months ago and she can't get the possibility of the outcomes being more than great for her sister. 

She sort of wishes that Roma was here to help her reach the teal hat box that has always been perched on the top shelf in Clarke's closet, but after a few jumps and climbing up the shelf, she catches the box before it could fall to the floor. 

She also knows that it's wrong to search through her sister's stuff, but it doesn't stop Madi from grabbing all five of them and fast walking - it was hard to run down the stairs and not have Clarke wake up - but she's twelve. She's small. 

Madi places the letters into the mailbox that's right outside the door. 

She wants to walk back inside and run to see if Clarke woke up....

But, she also wants to place Bellamy Blake's and Wells Jaha's letter first. 

 


	3. the letters are out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You don’t need to, and that’s cheating” He was surprisingly good with his words for a thirteen year old boy, that it makes her nervously smile at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> over 4K words of hopefully some goodness. 
> 
> I’m having a blast writing this, so please enjoy this new chapter! stay tuned for more updates :)

 Clarke could feel the back of her gym shirt stick to her skin, and it was disgusting. 

It was a bright morning, the sunlight was strong and made the soles of her tennis shoes uncomfortable. She shares a slight hatred for their gym teacher, Mr.Kane who was shouting at most of her classmates to run the required five laps. As much as she didn't want to run because of her short legs and how exhausting it would be to walk back to the girls locker room -  _she could go on_ \- Raven was keeping a steady jog next to her and she had to keep up. 

"Don't you ever get tired of rewatching the Golden Girls?" 

Clarke answers with a side eye, "Do you ever get tired of listening to EDM music? Not to mention, the same songs over and over and  _ov-_ "

"Okay! I won't ask again." Raven replies with a smile that turns into a laugh. 

They stop jogging for a few seconds until Kane spots them, and they start again. 

"How's that crazy sister of your's?" 

"Madi?" 

"Who else?" Raven jokes. 

Clarke smiled then, "She's good, but then again she doesn't tell me much." 

It was lighthearted because Clarke knows that a twelve year old wouldn't have much issues to discuss with her awkward, nerdy and fashion loving older sister. Plus, if anything did come up, she'd skype Roma for advice and then pass it along. 

"Did you finish the books?" 

She's talking about the romance novel that had been picked from Clarke's shelf way too many times. 

"Of course I did, and I'll probably read it again soon." 

It's really not her fault that romance captivates her so easily or that the book was so easy to read. Clarke was sitting on her bed with the purple comforter wrapped loosely around her shoulders with her lights dimmed to read. She didn't know it was past midnight until she figures that her phone flashlight would be best to use to shine on the words. 

Raven stops and stares at her friend, it was a look of disbelief and Clarke didn't know why. She's finished 'Forbidden Love' multiple times in the time they've known eachother. 

"Don't you ever try something new?" 

It was unfair that it caught Clarke so off guard that she's staring blankly at Raven's face - who's laughing - that Kane sees them and shouts at them to start running. He gives no care for his students to rest, and Clarke wonders how his clients feel when they get personally trained by the guy. It was true, what Raven said but sticking to the same things has been what Clarke is. Her messy room, her messy closet, missing her father, her one friend....It was all about familiarity. 

They were running the curve of the track when Clarke feels someone touch her arm. 

She thinks it's another student who did it by mistake, so she continues her jog with Raven who's gone silent. 

Until, it wasn't a mistake and happens again. 

"Hey!  _Wait up!_ " 

Clarke turns around quickly only to collide into someone's chest. She realizes it was definitely a guy, with broad shoulders and a firm chest with muscle that most guys her age don't have. 

"What?" She pulls back with a confused face and her throat goes dry. It feels like sand has been lodged in her throat or her high ponytail is actually choking her. 

What was Bellamy doing out here? On the field slightly out of breath because he was jogging after her? 

"Bellamy?" She asks, and her hand covers her eyes to get a better look to confirm. She hated being right because his hair was messy and his light blue colored jeans were paired with a navy colored collared shirt. She thinks it's polo, but she's distracted by his eyes so intense. 

He was staring at her, and he never does that. 

"We need to talk," Bellamy says quickly, but then takes it back because he's struggling on what to say. His hand rubs the back of his neck because he's nervous to say the wrong thing because nothing's been said yet. "Clarke, we should talk... _now_." 

Clarke is shocked and her mouth slightly gapes but she manages to whisper Raven's name to signal her to leave, and she gets it. Although, she has no idea what it is because its freaking Bellamy Blake who wants to talk to her best friend and for once, isn't attached to her cousin's hip 24/7. 

"Fine," Raven's not annoyed but a bit surprised. "But I'll be in the nurses office with a migraine googling pictures of Justin Trudeau shirtless.." 

It was the best and quickest thing to come up with, and she's obsessed with backpacking her way to Canada so it makes sense to google the prime minister with his shirt off. Her finger points at the both of them, but Bellamy seemed more focused with talking to Clarke. 

Raven leaves, and Bellamy starts speaking the minute she does. 

"I'm flattered, I really am but it’s _never_ gonna happen, alright?” 

“Huh?” Clarke’s face scrunches with the sun on her face. 

His eyes are so wide that it kind of sends a shiver up her arms. She has no idea what he’s talking about, did he get the wrong idea when she fought with Gina a few days ago? 

This wasn’t good for her, and Clarke would rather start running laps again. 

“It’s cute how you think I have golden specs in my eyes, and how the brown reminds you of chocolate but-“ 

Clarke’s head immediately goes into combust and she can’t feel anything. There’s only one place where she’s described him with those words, and nobody knows. Her arms feel numb and her fingers feel tingly, but her head is frantically shaking back and forth. 

“I’m sorry, _what_?” 

Bellamy looks down at the envelope in his hand, and he’s clutching it between his fingers like it doesn’t matter.  Clarke’s eyes follow his and she’s sure a loud gasp escapes her lips. 

It was her letter. 

To him. 

She really hopes her eyes are actually at fault here, and it’s a different envelope from a different girl with the same glittery purple pen and the same cursive handwriting. 

But she’s too smart to know that it’s real and will be haunting her in her dreams. 

Or nightmares. Definitely her nightmares. 

Before Clarke could blink again, she was shaking her head so much in disbelief that her eyes flutter shut and her body ends up on the floor. 

She doesn’t see anything but blackness and a darkness that she’d gladly stay in if she could escape this, but her head hit first and it turns into pain. 

Clarke’s memories flash her back to the party, her first teenage party with boys and Bellamy was sit across from her the entire time. Gina thought it was the greatest idea to have them play spin the bottle, only because she wanted to kiss Bellamy. It was expected, she was the one with the crush on him. Even though, she ended up kissing Nathan Miller instead. She was sitting next to Clarke and her hands clenched at her sides when her best friend spins the glass soda bottle. Why? Because it lands on the one she wanted to kiss. 

_“Come on Clarke, just spin it!”_

_She’s tugging at the hairs at the end of her ponytail, because she hates getting pressured. But, it’s her first party and it wouldn’t hurt trying something new._

_“I’ll have to kiss someone!”_

_It’s the scariest thing for her, and her voice comes out like a hiss._

_Miller just smirks as he’s sat next to Bellamy, who’s always smiling._

_“Spin it.”_

_“Fine.”_

_She spins the bottle aggressively hoping that it’ll never stop. But it comes to a halt in ten seconds, and she immediately wants to back away._

_It lands on Bellamy, Gina’s Bellamy._

_As in, Gina has the biggest crush on him._

_”No, sorry. I can’t.”_

_Her eyes look over at Gina, who’s giving her the stare that could kill. She was shaking her head, and gesturing to not kiss him._

_Bellamy was leaning in already, and it makes her flinch back in anticipation._

_She can’t do this to her best friend, that’s like breaking a special code. Clarke turns to Gina again, whispering,_ _“I could spin again...”_

_Bellamy’s head was nearing closer to Clarke’s, and Gina was nodding her head too._

_“You don’t need to, and that’s cheating” He was surprisingly good with his words for a thirteen year old boy, that it makes her nervously smile at him._

_That about made Gina’s head implode, and Clarke was so scared. Not only, was he flirting and totally fine to ignore Gina’s feelings for him...but he actually wanted to kiss her._

_Clarke stayed still not having any prior experience to kissing boys, and then his mouth was on her’s. Clarke pulls away faster than he could allow himself to like it, and her lips tingle with her first kiss and how warm she feels afterwards._

 

Things haven’t changed, and that’s why it seems like an eternity before Clarke wakes up with her eyes blurred. 

The first thing she sees is Bellamy hovering above her, and it almost sends her back to the paradise of darkness because she wasn’t dreaming again. 

“You okay?” 

The back of her head is pounding but it’s momentary, because she feels the nerves building again in her stomach and practically everywhere. 

“What happened?”

She says a bit dazed and begins to sit upright only to feel Bellamy’s hand help guide her. He’s never touched her, and it shocks her. 

“You fainted and fell down,” Bellamy looked nervous but he continues speaking with his hand on her back. “Do you need anything? Water? Raven?” 

He seems so concerned that she honestly shakes her head and looks at him. Clarke is sat upright with his arm beginning to snake around her waist to get her on her feet. 

She accepts the help, but then she sees Wells walk down the rocky path to the track field with a pink envelope in his hands. His eyes are darted straight solely on Clarke’s direction they were intense like Bellamy’s. At least, his was familiar but made her even more terrified to confront him. 

Her sister’s ex boyfriend knows that she loved him, and that might ruin everything for Roma. It’ll destroy her. 

Clarke groans and stares blankly at him before she realizes how close he was to getting to her. “You’ve got to be kidding me....” 

The next thing she knew, she had grabbed Bellamy by the shoulders and turned him on his back and slammed her lips on his. It’d make Wells back off and think they had something,

or stop him from walking so she could have time to run away.

Bellamy froze, and she knows his hands are still in the space next to her head as her body touches his chest. She’s leaning on him, and she may be kissing him hard but she swears that his lips move too.

She pulls away after a minute, even though it was around 30 seconds and pats him on the chest for a thank you. She’s breathless with the way she leaves him so confused when his lips parted. 

They lock eyes for a split second before Clarke hears Mr.Kane call out to someone and then she realizes it was directed at her because of how loud his voice was. 

“I-I’m so-“ She tries to whisper the words when he’s still close enough to her face to make Wells believe it, but she notices that his eyes truly were so brown up close like this. They were really nice. 

“Griffin, stop that! I know I made no kissing a rule in my class..” Kane’s daunting tone makes Clarke look away from Bellamy even know her lips feel like they’re burning on fire. “Get back to running laps! Let’s go.” 

Clarke doesn’t know what to do now and she could honestly throw up with everything that happened, and Bellamy still won’t stop looking at her. She gets up from the track floor, and gladly returns to running her laps. 

However, they wouldn’t be considered laps if she’s running in the direction towards the entrance back into the school. 

She runs past Bellamy, past Wells and into the school building only to find her way to the girls bathroom. The halls were pretty much empty, most kids either not in class yet or kids were learning in classrooms.  Clarke swings the door open, luckily finding no one inside and picks the first stall she sees. 

Her feet are burning with the excessive running. 

Her chest is on fire with emotions and shock, a bit of something else she can’t describe. 

She also feels hurt because those letters were supposed to always be private and just for her. Clarke knows that she would never send them out, so somebody did it for her. Her eyes well up with tears because everything was happening so fast, she couldn’t keep up. 

But, then she hears the door creak open and a pair of heavy boots walk towards her stall. She knows that girls usually don’t walk with heavy steps, and that’s a red flag she wishes she could pull down herself. 

“Clarke?” 

Girls wouldn’t talk like a sixteen year old boy getting over puberty with a voice low like that. It was almost raspy. 

Her hands are palmed against the sides of the bathroom stall, and she knows it’s probably unsanitary but she needs to hold onto something. 

Clarke shuts her eyes so hard that it felt painful. “Who are you?” 

She doesn’t hear anything after her question, and fear builds faster than the footsteps walking towards her door. 

“Uh-someone special who saw you running into the bathroom and thought you might want this back.” His voice was slow, she could tell he was sorry for whatever he was going to show her. 

A small green envelope slides under her stall and right next to her feet. She can’t tell if her legs were shaking, but the floor seemed so far from her reach. 

Clarke reads the name written in bold letters, and the first thing she notices is the slanted ‘N’ in his first name. 

Nathan Miller. 

Better known as being called by his last name, and the guy she danced with freshman year at the winter formal. It wasn’t anything special, but he asked her to dance after he complimented her French braid. Clarke couldn’t help but gravitate towards him, Miller was the best debater on the team and his mom sponsored the entire event. Therefore, she was the reason that Clarke even got so dressed up in the first place. She got attracted to how smart and witty he was, never failing to make her laugh hysterically during club hours. 

She likes a guy that could make her laugh. Who doesn’t? 

Clarke could recall all of those memories too, especially the one where he stepped on her heel during the slow dance and he wouldn’t stop apologizing. She found it adorable. 

Now, he’s outside her bathroom stall when it’s meant for girls and she can’t help but wonder how no other person has walked in. And he has her letter. 

She takes a deep breath, and unlocks the door. Nathan was funny, and adorable. He shouldn’t of taken this seriously - even if her feelings were a hundred percent real for the time - and it wouldn’t  hurt to explain to him why she did it. 

He isn’t Wells or Bellamy. 

Nobody that could hurt her or be hurt by. 

She picks up the letter from the floor with cautious finger placement cause it’s still the bathroom floor, and walks out in small steps. 

Miller was leaning against her stall and smiling softly when she faces him. 

“You liked me during the winter formal?” 

It was the first thing he says and Clarke’s ears turn pink at the tips. 

She clutched the letter harder. 

“I thought you were cute and smart, and you still are but I’ve moved on. I don’t have a-“ She pauses because somehow the word can’t form in her throat and it seems all too real to say to his face. “I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” 

He just shrugs at her, being cool about the situation. “It was freshman year right? I complimented your hair and asked you to dance...I remember it Clarke. It’s all good.” 

Something was off about his tone. He was so calm about her feelings, with one of his hands in his jean pocket and then the other holding onto his backpack. 

“I’m sorry” Clarke says with a sigh and she tucks the letter away in the waistband of her leggings. 

“For what? The letter?” 

She nods and instantly replies. 

“It’s embarrassing to have them out now, I never intended for them to get out...” 

Miller shifts on the balls of his feet and tries not to make it awkward, “They’re out...and you can’t do anything about them.” 

Clarke feels the lump in her throat growing with his words, and she feels like crying. She spent six years with those letters packed away like her only safe haven to the world she imagines. The letters were her prized possessions, and she can’t protect them or herself anymore...not from the feelings she once felt about those guys. 

“I won’t cause problems for you because I don’t feel the same way, that’s why I came to see you in the first place.” 

Clarke swallows harshly, but still manages to laugh through her emotions. 

“-In the girls’ bathroom.” 

“You seemed stressed! Clarke, you ran in here like your ass was on fire and I know Bellamy went out there to-“ 

The laughing stopped, the jokes, all of it stopped when he says that. Her mind is accepting the information in slow motion, because nobody knew there was more than one love letter sent. 

“What?” Clarke’s eyes snap wide. 

Miller knew that Bellamy was going to confront her? 

He takes a step back with a taunting grin that makes Clarke’s blood run hot. 

“He told me last night, and it was before I got mine. My letter was in the mailbox this morning.” Miller’s hand’s surrender in the air, wondering if he actually did something wrong. Of course, Clarke thinks he did a federal crime against her heart...but he didn’t need to know that. 

“You told him to talk to me about it?” 

Her voice is soft, low because she’s scared. How could she not be when Gina might find out about Clarke kissing her boyfriend, for the _second_ time if she might add, it’ll add an extra burden on Clarke. Something she doesn’t want. 

“You know how Gina gets with him,” Miller pauses to step closer to Clarke, his words drowning in her mind with the truth she’s been hiding from the entire conversation. “He wanted to get rid of the problem because she finds out.” 

She kissed him. She kissed Bellamy when he was supposed to get rid of her and the love letter addressed to him, and she ruined everything. She figures Miller might understand if she tells him the truth, since he was always nice to her. 

She steps away and she feels the nerves build in her chest again, and starts to pace back and forth in the small space between the sinks and the stalls. 

“I kissed him on the field.” 

She turned quickly to see his reaction and he wasn’t as shocked as she wanted him to be. Clarke doesn’t know what she wants him to feel, but she didn’t expect to see him stand the same with no visible motion to react. 

“He let you kiss him? God, Gina must be the one causing prob-“ 

Clarke cuts him off, “No, I saw one of the other guys I wrote a letter to walk towards me and I _panicked_. I also fainted and Bellamy was _right_ there when I saw the other guy, and I grabbed his shoulders and-“ She rubs the back of her neck in disbelief. “You know...” 

Miller rubs his hands together, trying to figure out what to say. 

“Was it like seventh grade again?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You kissed him longer this time, was it nice?” 

Clarke slaps his shoulder and scoffs, because she wouldn’t dare let herself feel that way about Bellamy. 

“Can I tell you something?” Miller asks after a few seconds of silence. It seemed like the perfect time to admit it. 

She nods, like he’s been a friend for years. 

“I don’t like you like that, and I’m sorry that I never did.” He’s a bit shy, like the quirky guy she met in middle school. 

Clarke isn’t sure why her heart tears a little bit when he says it, but she can’t reflect on past feelings when she herself doesn’t feel the same anymore. 

“It’s okay Miller, I don’t feel the same either. Besides, it was years ago-“ 

He’s back to smiling again, and it seems like all he ever does. “That’s great to hear, because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings when I tell you that I’m gay.” 

It was like instantly a wall broke down between them, and she understands why he’s been so refreshing to talk to about the letters. But, it doesn’t take away from the fact that she didn’t know, and had no clue throughout the years. 

“Oh, that’s great Miller.” 

“You didn’t know? I thought it was obvious sophomore year when all I wanted to do was sit next to the guys in class. I never really got out of that nerd phase until last year.” 

He was so relieved to get that off his chest, and Clarke noticed it. She should’ve noticed his actions, since they had the same Honors English class in tenth grade, but she still thought of him as the nerdy kid who complimented Roma’s hair skills with a bright grin. 

Clarke had fantasies that she stuck with. 

“I-I didnt know, but I do now.” She wants to laugh, but it comes out like a nervous giggle that makes him babble on. 

“So does my mom, and my dad sort of knows,” Miller’s hands gesture so Clarke could tell that it’s a touchy subject but he continues. “- and it’s hard for everyone to know cause it’s high school.” 

Clarke doesn’t want him to frown, so she says, “Hey, I understand. Thanks for telling me and not wanting Bellamy to make a scene in front of my whole gym class.” 

Something in his eyes sparkle and he pulls Clarke in for a hug. At least she has another friend from all this, but she’s sure the drama isn’t over.

“What makes you say that? I just told him to talk to you.”

“Only because I probably accomplished the whole ‘making a scene’ thing when I fainted of shock and hit my head.” 

Clarke pulls away in a cringe, and all Miller does is snicker. 

“If you need me, I’m here to help with any of the guys causing trouble.” 

Her first thought is Wells, and she hopes on every star in the sky that he isn’t looking for her still. She can’t talk to him, not until he calms down and she wraps her head around the letter being held in his hands. 

Clarke softly nods, and caresses a few pieces of her blonde hair behind her ears on both sides. “I’ll keep that in mind.” 

The bell rings, and it makes Clarke forget how much time she spent talking to Miller and how confused she is that no other girl walked into the room. 

Miller tips his head for a goodbye and walks out finally, leaving Clarke to understand her new friend and his motives. 

She also tries to understand why she did what she did to Bellamy, but she doesn’t know how to make up for it. Clarke just needs for Wells and Bellamy to stay away from her. 


	4. moving along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cute, really?” Clarke stresses. “I wrote a page’s worth of my middle school crush and you call it cute?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to back updates! wow I’m kinda on a roll here. Enjoy guys! :)

The first thing that comes to Clarke’s mind when her mother says that Wells is at her front door asking to talk, is to creep out her window. 

She had no idea if it would result with a hospital visit with a broken leg, or falling off the tree branch because of her palms sweating so much. (Luckily, neither of those happened.) But, she managed to escape her second floor bedroom and climb her way down the tree next to her window. 

It was a slightly hard fall, and she doesn’t know if her knees are scraped or if there’s any pain because she’s so focused on getting away. 

As she’s sitting in the middle seat at the cafe bar with a diet soda in her hands, Clarke hisses with the slight burn of the cool air hitting the skin on her knee. She definitely got hurt somehow. However, it saves her the trouble to not know what exactly happened. 

Clarke peels the wrapper from the straw and aggressively puts it in her soda and then takes a sip. She’s just tired of the day, from her humiliating talk with Bellamy about her old feelings, to her surprisingly good outcome of a conversation with his best friend Miller. She wishes that if she closes her eyes, it’ll all be a dream and she would still be invis- 

“Hey Griffin,” A sudden voice speaks, and she hears keys juggle in their hands. “I didn’t know you go here.” 

Her eyes widen and her lips freeze on the straw. She swallows and turns her head because she really doesn’t want to see anyone she knows. 

Clarke barely sees anyone from school, and she’d like to keep it that way. 

“Wha— Oh.” She chokes on her words. 

Her eyes land on the person now seated next to her, and it’s none other than Bellamy. He has his keys hung around his middle finger, and his arm is leaning against the table. It’s like he couldn’t keep his balance on anything he touches and it makes Clarke fury with how smug he always looks. 

“Surprised to see me?” He says and then his lips flatline. 

Bellamy turns in his chair to face the wall in front of them, and it gives Clarke a chance to breath. She doesn’t do that around him, and she doesn’t want him here. 

“Not at all,” She tries to play it off and swirls the straw in her cup. “I never see you here, and I come here a lot.” 

Ark cafe, formally known as the Corner Cafe was infamous in the town. Not a lot of kids Clarke’s age hang out there, because there’s parties and rages but the older people appreciate how long it’s stood around. Clarke does too, and it’s somewhere she’d rather be at to pass time. 

She still won’t look at him again, and Bellamy has an urge to make her do so. 

“We should talk...” 

“About what? You said that to me this morning and it didn’t really end well for either of us. Bellamy, you have my letter already.” 

Clarke is firing back quickly, frustrated and it’s causing her voice to get higher but it makes her look at him. 

His eyes narrow, “That was before _you_ kissed me on the field and ran away just because you saw Jaha.” 

“You saw that?” 

“ _Before_ you threw me on the floor, I was turning to see what made your mood change so quickly. I just didn’t expect to get kissed.” He ends up laughing, but it was more something like a shocking realization. 

“I didn’t _throw_ you, I grabbed your shoulders and set you down.” Clarke tries to explain herself, but it doesn’t help her case. 

“I’m flattered I really am, but Gina and I just broke up and it was all just sudden for me.” 

She couldn’t believe her ears, how could they have turmoil when they were fine and visibly cuddly the other day? Bellamy turns to face Clarke again, waiting for her to speak. He wasn’t talking about the kiss, but the letter. 

“You seemed fine a few days ago, when Gina was being a hypocrite of my shoes.” 

Bellamy shakes his head, “She was being a bitch to you, and aren’t boyfriends  supposed to side with their girlfriends?” 

Clarke takes a sip of her drink, her throat felt dry. She could give a honest answer of saying that all boys in the books she reads, should and always stay loyal to their girlfriends. But, it’s real life and she doesn’t want Bellamy asking questions. 

“Unless she’s wrong, and I actually found my shoes cute that day. I’m _sorry_ I don’t have a boy attached to my hip to agree with everything I say, or the whole school worshipping me like a God.” 

It must’ve struck a cord in Bellamy or his ego, but he doesn’t speak. When he does, it doesn’t sound as playful as it did before. 

It isn’t it fault, and she knows that but she has so many emotions that she can’t handle them all at once. Clarke has to throw her anger and horrible change of events at someone else. He changes the subject about Gina, and says something else. 

“I’m sorry you think that about me, but I just came by to say that the love letter was _cute_. I actually never had anybody do that for me.” 

“Cute, _really?”_ Clarke stresses. “I wrote a page’s worth of my middle school crush and you call it cute?” 

She knows that it’s not logical to push the subject, but she can’t stop herself from feeling slightly offended. 

Bellamy retorts, with a fire of his own. “I remember the kiss alright, and it was hot for seventh grade.” 

Clarke doesn’t want to speak about it anymore, so she shakes her head to get rid of her emotions like they’d suddenly disappear. “Forget it, how did you even find me?” 

She’s so interested on his answer, because she knows that she never sees him around this part of town. Until, she hears a hand land on her shoulder. 

It startles her. 

“Clarke, is this a friend?” 

It’s Harper, a girl that’s a few years older than her but her mom runs the cafe. She works there a lot, mostly after school but she goes to a school twenty minutes away. 

The conversation stops, and Bellamy’s mind changes gears. He’s smiling at Harper with a friendly grin, and it’s like he could be nice to anyone. 

Clarke shakes her head to say no, but Bellamy beats her to it. He says that he’s just there to talk to her, but Clarke looks on in horror. 

“What can I get you?” Harper asks him, and she won’t stop glancing back from Clarke’s face because it’s more gloomy than his. 

“Chocolate shake, and thanks.” 

Harper walks away, and Bellamy speaks up again like the interruption was normal. “I went to your house and your little sister said you _most likely_ came here after Wells stopped by.” 

Clarke sighs loudly, and shrinks into herself. She didn’t even wanna ask how he found out her address. This day couldn’t get any worse, because of Madi saw Bellamy, then Wells probably did too. 

“You went to my house! Are you seri—“ 

“Calm down Clarke, would you?” 

“Not when my sister saw you, and talked to you...and Wells saw you-“ 

Bellamy’s taken back by her rambling and how much she mentions Wells. He knows some background on their friendship, they’d been best friends for years before Clarke got involved with Gina. He also knew that Wells was dating her sister, and if Clarke was that worried about him wanting to talk to her, then something had to be wrong. 

“What’s with you and Jaha?” 

The words don’t even get caught in her throat and she rambles again, “He got a letter too, and if you think this is awkward sitting here with me, then you could imagine how it’s gonna be when he finds out that I had feelings for him when he was dating my sister-“ 

“ _Woah...Woah_ ” He has to backtrack and understand, “What? I thought they were still together?” 

Bellamy wasn’t the only one with relationship problems, and it sucked. 

He’s invested in this now, wanting to get information out of her but she’s silent and focused on her soda when it’s half empty. “If you don’t tell me, then I’ll just have to tell the whole school that you wrote me a love letter and probably have a secret tattoo of me on your leg.” 

Clarke looks at him with a side glance, wondering if he’s actually being serious but he’s already got his eyes locked on her’s. The possibility of Bellamy exposing her to everyone at school, includes Gina and that’s someone she never wants to cross. 

She starts to speak automatically, feeling like she’s threatened. It wasn’t that serious but she couldn’t let it happen. 

“They dated, past tense.” Clarke says with her fingers quoting the air. “It’s important to understand that” 

“And—Why haven’t you asked him out yet?” 

Clarke bites her lower lip, careful not to tread into waters so deep. He doesn’t need to know every little thing. 

“That’s something you don’t need to know, Bellamy.” 

Bellamy doesn’t ask again, but he does accept his chocolate milkshake when he arrives. He looks at the nametag of the other blonde girl but tries to keep his focus on Clarke because he did something. “Thank you again, Harper.” 

Once she’s gone for the second time, Clarke picks up the conversation while Bellamy takes a long chug of his shake. 

“I’m sorry that you got my letter, I never wanted to cause drama with you and Gina.” It was sincere and honest, but it comes out more like a warning for herself. Clarke never wanted this because as far as she knew, they were happy. 

Bellamy just stares at her, his mouth numb because of how cold and how fast he was drinking. He licks his lips, “You didn’t do anything wrong, and the letter was the least of our problems. If only you told me sooner-“ 

He winks at her, and it makes Clarke winded. He did what? 

“Is that your way of rejecting me, Bellamy Blake?” 

“It didn’t take well the first time at school,” He pauses to drink some more of his drink, not wanting to bring up much of something they already have spoke about. “...Worth the shot to try again.” 

Both of them end up staring at the wall again, not wanting to talk. It was calming for the time, Clarke closes her eyes to picture what it would be like if she was alone. It was like something was stuck in the back of her mind, screaming at her just because Bellamy was seated next to her. 

“At least, your love letters won’t be such a big deal for people to find out about, since there was only two.” 

Clarke let’s out a scoff, and Bellamy catches it before she tries to convince him of her silence. 

“Clarke?” 

She starts to say, “There wasn’t just two letters.” 

“Oh, well three isn’t that bad either.” 

Clarke’s lips want to stay attached to the straw and finish her soda until he gets bored and walks away. He doesn’t and he’s too busy thinking about the worst. 

He can’t help himself but think she wrote a letter to every guy she’s ever met, or even worse, every guy at school. 

“There’s five letters, so four other guys besides you.” Her voice is quiet, and she doesn’t want to look at him. 

“What?” Bellamy can’t catch what she’s saying, and she’s acting like she’s little kid who lies to their parents. 

Clarke says it again, louder so he could hear this time. “There’s four other guys besides you, Bellamy! Five in total.” 

His face alone might make her run out of the cafe, because his eyes are about to burst and now both of his knees are touching her’s and she’s slightly terrified that he’d fall on her because of how close he was. 

“I wasn’t the only one? Neither was Wells?” He doesn’t want to make Clarke uncomfortable because these letters were personal, so he refrains to talking to himself. “ _Wow, one minute you think you’re special and the only guy she writes a letter to and it turns out that you aren’t-_ “ 

Clarke wants to throw whatever’s left of her soda at him, but she’s gotten too far in the conversation to give up. 

“Shut up! It’s already bad enough as it is, and I can’t ignore these guys forever.” 

“You could try....” 

Bellamy takes his sentence back as soon as he sees her actually interested. 

“I’m kidding, you can’t avoid the rest of them.” 

Clarke rubs her temples, she really has dug herself in a hole that she can’t get out of. It’s true, what Bellamy said. 

“Who are they, if you don’t mind me asking...” 

She shrugs, like they mean nothing to her. Even when, just a few days ago she was reading each of them with sly smiles and butterflies in her stomach. 

“Just some guys I’ve encountered over the years, had crushes on, and then wrote letters to get over them.” It was so simple to explain like that. 

Bellamy drinks the rest of his milkshake before responding, because he still wants it to be cold as he’s enjoying it. 

“It’s that easy?” 

“It shouldn’t be hard to tell you how I started writing them.” 

“Then, tell me how you feel about Wells?” 

He’s got her in a trap, and she most certainly knows it. So she avoids the question, “You don’t need to know about my feelings for Wells, even if I don’t have them anymore.” 

He knows she’s right, that he shouldn’t push Clarke’s buttons since she’s admitted so much already but she’s naturally so curious for him. Bellamy sticks to his instincts and doesn’t say anything more but takes his time to stare at her. 

It was unexpected but it was his eyes just wanted to look at her. All he wanted to do was look and sneakily admire. He notices that she was wearing a maroon skirt with a white tank top that flared at the bottom hemline. Bellamy didn’t see her after the track incident. 

Instead of her ‘government issues boots’ that Gina kindly hinted at, she wore white sneakers with matching colored socks. They were folded to make a neat impression, and Bellamy had no idea how pretty she actually is. 

After middle school, he never really had a chance to look at her the same way. Especially with Gina pinning after him, and Clarke distancing herself because she didn’t wanna cause any other problems for the two. 

Clarke hops down from her chair when she realizes that Bellamy was distracted and alerts him, “I think I should go now...you know we have homework and stuff.” 

Her voice is urgent and kind of alarming but she wants to leave him alone. 

He turns his body to face her, “We aren’t in the same classes.” 

Of course, he’d be snarky back to her. He was right though, she was mostly in advanced classes. Clarke leans down to grab the bag that was set next to her feet. “You should have work to do too Bellamy.” 

His hands are resting against the table but Bellamy tilts his head to acknowledge her, he doesn’t know how to move the conversation along but he tries his best to be friendly. 

Especially since she wants to end it. He doesn’t know why she’s so nervous around him, so he asks her that makes her stop in her tracks. 

“Is that your bike outside? The baby blue one with sparkles that’s on the floor?” 

She nods with cautious eyes, but she still puts her bag on her shoulders. “Yeah?” 

Bellamy’s eyebrows furry together when he responds. “You’re gonna drive that thing home?” 

Hes judging her, Clarke thinks. To be fair, she hasn’t had a new bike in ages and it happens to still fit her small frame so she didn’t know any reason to get another one. (She may be a sucky driver but she owns a car and drives sometimes.) 

“It’s _my_ choice of transportation.” 

“But you have a car...” 

Clarke has limits, and he’s nearing the line. Bellamy just can’t get enough of teasing her, purposeful banter on his end. 

“I’m leaving now.” She says, and she nods her head firmly and begins her walk out of the beloved cafe. 

Clarke doesn’t even look back at him and doesn’t expect to stop but her feet halt before her mind could understand. There wasnt a lot of people in the place but it was enough to make her cheeks flush.

She hates it, she hates that he shouts back at her. 

“I could drive you home, call it a friendly gesture...” Bellamy calls out, and Clarke could hear him stand up. The stool inflates and being that the Cafe is so old, the metal parts screech a bit. “Plus, I even know where it is.” 

His eyes start to wander, and Clarke shouldn’t be interested with what he’s looking at but she follows his gaze. He’s confused, his lips turn into a frown and then he’s looking at her legs. 

“I guess you aren’t that good at riding a bike either?” 

He noticed whatever bruise was on her leg. She actually smiles, it’s soft and it makes him do the same. “I guess _not_.” 

Something’s changed in the way she looks at him, but she isn’t sure what does until her voice comes out gentle like she means her apology, and doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. 

“Thank you for the offer, but I’m alright.” 

“Clarke, I don’t mind taking you ho-“ 

Clarke stops him mid-sentence but it’s forced kindness. “ _It’s fine_ , have a good afternoon.” 

She opens the front door with her left hand and clutches one of her bag straps with the other. Also, she doesn’t dare look back at whatever expression he has on his face. Maybe, Clarke’s scared if he actually meant it or maybe it’s the imprint of eleven year old Gina’s shocked face when she kissed him in the basement. Clarke knows that riding in his car could be talked about by everyone, especially Bellamy if he was ever one to cause drama.

Her mind is spinning by the time she gets comfortable on the seat and starts to pedal herself back home.

It was easier to wonder about what the bumps and gravel would’ve felt like if she was in his car, when it was all she could feel after talking to Bellamy.

In situations like these, she knows what she could do to her mind off of everything and hopes Madi is home. 


	5. be my escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly, she hears him call out to her and his voice is low. “You look really nice, and I hope you have fun.” 
> 
> Wells Jaha has never complimented Clarke Griffin on anything since he got with Roma, and that was three years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter is finally up! I’m excited for the real rollercoaster to begin. I hope you guys enjoy! :)

“We drove twenty minutes to get your ice cream again?” Madi pouts, even if this trip was preventing her from doing biology homework. It was her least favorite class, and when Clarke basically ushered her out of the house...she couldn’t object.

  
Clarke has her hand on the ‘PUSH’ side of the door, when she replies. “We come here every other week, don’t you love this place as much as I do?”

  
Madi jogs to catch up to her sister, and sneaks under her arm to get inside the market first. Clarke just laughs, and lets herself in next. She knows that was her answer. “Wait!”

Madi turns around, her small feet were seconds away from running to her favorite aisle of the store...the chips.

“Are you getting the usual?”

Her sister groans but only because she’s so eager. “Of course, you?”

Clarke smiles brightly as she already has her eyes on the freezer section, it’s in the corner of the store next to the register. “Cookie dough, always.”

She knows that Madi would probably get her choice of something spicy, and that’s what makes her grab two tubs of ice cream instead of one. Clarke really doesn’t need Madi stealing her special cookie dough ice cream when her mouth feels like it’s burning up her insides, not like the last month.

She got so upset at her little sister, that she made Madi do the dishes and clean her room for two weeks because her car was still in the repair shop because of her first few driving lessons. Their mom wanted to make sure that Clarke had a fully functioning car before school started, so it was definitely a dark time. She didn’t have the car for three weeks, and that meant no trip to the market on the outskirts of town.

  
Clarke was always taught to embrace other cultures, because it’s what made life so interesting and the world so diverse. She wholeheartedly believed in those words, but she doesn’t know if it’s because it was the one lesson her father taught his kids before he died.

Although, she doesn’t let herself get sad about her dad. It’s something everyone in the town knew, since her dad was everywhere and anywhere. He was a friendly person, sometimes too kind. It’s what makes the market so special, not because of the ice cream or sweets that the other stores don’t have...but because of all the different kind of stuff she sees.  
She never had anyone to explain to her what the different foods from Korea, Japan or the Philippines tasted like or how a person grew up with them. 

She can’t do much if all she sees is the ingredients to make these foreign goods, Clarke could only wonder how to make it with the labels she reads. It’s a weird store, she knows that. As much as she was taught to be appreciative of it, she didn’t know a lot of things when it came to the origins. 

Breaking away from her thought, Clarke closes the freezer before the cold could escape, and walks past each aisle to find her Madi. Each aisle was always difficult, with a variety of everything she’s never heard of but sells ice cream? Not to mention, the only ice cream she loves in town. She can’t pass each aisle without seeing something in a different language. 

“Clarke?”

It makes her head turn, and almost knock into the rack with the beans. _That was her name_.

“Huh?” The voice came from the row in front of her and she finally takes notice of whoever was calling her. Even if there was someone else with the same name, but she never hears it anywhere.

It was Miller, with his denim jeans and a sweatshirt from the school’s lacrosse team and red sneakers. He had a few cans in his hands, his face is scrunched so he must’ve been looking for something else. Oh

“ _Miller_?”

He looked just as shocked as she did.

“You come here?”

It was like she was talking to Bellamy all over again, and she shakes her head to get their conversation out of her head.  
She says simply, “Yes actually, and I’m gonna ask you the same question.”

Miller shuffles the cans in his hand, and looks down. “It’s for a party I’m having tonight, all the lacrosse guys are coming over and you know that _means_  like half of the school’s’ population.” 

Clarke tries to be a bit more observant with how many cans he actually has, but knows it won’t be enough to feed at most two people. Especially with a sports team, those guys are actual animals. She walks closer to him, “Three cans to feed half the school’s population?”

His mouth twitches up into a smile because she’s joking with him, “Someone always makes a special request for a drink, and I’m just a really great person if I honor their request.” 

“It’s a party-“ She pauses, and stands right next to him. “-and people decide to get picky with what they drink?” 

Miller shrugs nervously, he wasn’t expecting her opinion. 

“ _What_ party host wouldn’t try to meet the demands of their guests?” 

Clarke jokes again while crossing her arms, it was difficult, and cold to do so but she manages. “A really narcissistic, rude host.” 

He actually laughs this time, and it makes her slightly giddy. She hadn’t spent a lot of time with Raven lately, and she felt friend-deprived. Roma had also told her to make new friends, so it wasn’t a bad thing to be talking to a new person. She figured that Miller made an exception because she may of known he existed for five years, but now he’s actually talking to her again. 

It wouldn’t be a bad thing. 

Miller blurts out, “You should probably get going, the ice cream is gonna melt and condensate and you don’t want it leaking into your shirt.” 

“The cap is sealed, and frozen.” She adds. 

“I just don’t want you getting cold, and you literally came in here with a skirt and a white shirt.” 

Her chest feels warm with his appreciation, so she decided to return it. 

Clarke sticks her tongue out and replies back, “How sweet of you _Nathan_ , but I was going to find my sister and then pay for these. I wasn’t going to stay long.” 

“It’s Miller, Clarke. Nobody calls me Nathan anymore.” 

She knows he’s playful, by the way his shoulders bump hers and the smirk on his face. 

Clarke changes the subject to what had been racing through her mind the entire conversation. She’s a frequent customer of this place, and she hasn’t seen Miller here not once. Even on the days where she feels the most anti-social. 

Her eyes look up to what aisle number they were standing in, and she reads what it’s written in the blue and white bolded letters. 

It was categorized as fruits, but she didn’t see much besides artificial flavored sweets and small foreign fruits she can’t name. She decides to ask Miller instead, because now she might have someone to talk to. 

“How do you know in advance if someone’s going to want..” She looks around the aisle, “-canned peaches or lime?” 

Miller bites his lip, wondering if he should admit who he was buying it for. Bellamy would kill him, nobody else knew. 

It wasn’t even that bad, right? 

“ _Bellamy_ has this thing where he needs to have lime _and_ lemon in his Calamansi juice.” Miller dragged out his name in longer syllables. He knew that she didn’t wanna hear his name, he could see how her face changes in front of him. 

Clarke’s eyes widen with the mention of Bellamy, and it’s when she realizes that he might be more than a handful than she knew. She has no idea what that is. 

“He’s that special?”

Miller half nods, “He’s my best friend, and he really likes it but claims that he can’t make it himself.”

Clarke’s intention was to giggle but it came out more like a snort, and it makes Miller pout at her. “He can’t make juice?”

Miller sighs. “He’s not that bad Clarke, he’ll get better once you get to know him.”

She rolls his eyes, “I’ll never have a chance to get to know him, but I’ll take your word for it.”

Just then, a familiar voice is heard and it sounded a lot like Madi. It was high pitched and frantic. She had done what Clarke was previously doing to find her, and was roaming the aisles herself. 

Clarke sees Madi’s head pop up finally and it’s a head of curls and crazy hair. She walks into the aisle with her two bags of spicy knock off Doritos, (it’s a brand she can’t read, but it looked like Korean.) and looks like she’s about to interrogate Miller for just standing there. 

“Who is he?” 

Madi asks, her attention on Clarke. 

Her older sister’s eyes go big and she makes Madi look at Miller to show some good manners. All it took was a simple nudge of her head in his direction. 

“He’s a _friend_ of mine, and we bumped into eachother.” 

Clarke smiles sweetly at Miller, and he looks less anxious and his eyes travel to Madi’s. 

“I’m Nathan Miller, nice to meet you.” 

He would’ve held out his hand, but they were holding food cans. He feels lucky because his palms were starting to sweat, but he gets like that with new people. 

Madi still looks at him intensely, and Clarke is dying to apologize. “I’m Madison Griffin, but my friends call me Madi. _You_ could call me Madison though...” 

Miller quickly nods, but turns to face Clarke who’s itching to move the conversation along or get out. They lock eyes and Clarke’s hands adjust on holding her ice cream and she uncrosses her arms. 

Her hands felt cold. 

“Hey Clarke,” His sudden greeting makes her look at him in the eyes. “Let me pay for these.” 

She answered so fast, it scared both Madi and Miller. 

“No it’s fine, I have the money-“ 

Miller grabs the items from her hands and she’s trying to take them back with protests. She tries to fight him for the ice cream, but he says, “I’m the one that kept you from finding your sister and if it wasn’t for me, you’d be leaving this place already....let me do it.” 

Clarke is thinking back to when Bellamy offered her a drive home, and she instantly said no. She feels bad now, so bad for letting him down. It was friendly like how Miller was being now, and she can’t believe she said yes. There was an obvious answer, but Clarke doesn’t wanna think about why. She just lets Miller escort her to the front cashier and pay for her things. 

He was a good person to talk to, and she enjoyed the conversation. (It was also nice to feel her fingers again.) 

Clarke stutters, but he’s already putting the items on the table and talking to the cashier. “I’ll pay you back for this, I-I swear.” 

She notices that he’s handing over a twenty dollar bill to pay for her ice cream and Madi’s chips, along with his fruit and the lime she saw him holding earlier. He didn’t even get the cans, so he probably switched some things out. 

Miller hands the black plastic bags to Clarke, with Madi watching on awkwardly because she hasn’t moved. 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

“But—“ Clarke loves to argue. 

Miller’s hands clutch onto her shoulders to calm her down, “ _Fine_! Come to the party tonight, that’s how you could pay me back.” 

He figured that giving up ahead of time would save him the trouble of hearing her beg him not to do stuff. Clarke’s small burst of hope and appreciation was gone, and she was shaking her head. She hasn’t gone to any parties since middle school, and that would mean asking her mother and Madi...it was a lot to ask of herself. 

“I don’t do parties,” Clarke laughs nervously as she looks down. 

“You should come to mine, I swear I won’t make you do anything crazy. I would really like to see you there.” 

Miller was being so generous, she was itching to respond with the small part of her that seemed interested but her phone buzzes in her pocket. Clarke almost forgot she even had one. 

      _ **Contact: Wells :)**_

_**Are you home Clarke? I’ve been dying to talk to you all day. Please.** _

 

Clarke knows the right thing to do would be to respond, make up lies or actually tell the truth but she won’t. She knows she can’t, not when her mind rattles everytime she thinks about Roma finding out or that her feelings are real. He’s dangerous to talk to right now. 

She doesn’t realize that she hadn’t put her phone away, because she’s been re-reading his words over and over. It was like she was dazed by how hard he was trying, and it was a bit terrifying. 

“Everything alright?”

She knows it’s Miller’s voice, but then Madi adds on. “Is that Wells? I miss him, can we invite him over—“

Madi has such a big smile on her face that it’s difficult for Clarke to put her phone in her back pocket. She’ll just have to explain later, but it somehow burns Clarke to realize. 

She turns to her younger sister first and says, “I’ll talk to him later for you, how’s that?” 

Madi nods and she already feels relieved herself. Miller catches up to them as they start to walk out because it’s a small store and he’s got long legs. It works. 

“Clarke—“ 

She turns around to face him, anticipating his interruption again. 

“Yeah?” 

“Can we exchange numbers? I won’t bother you about the party but I think you’re really cool and fun,” He’s rambling by the time Clarke extends her hand out. 

Miller shuts up. “What?” 

Nobody’s ever called her cool before and that makes her chest warm. “Your phone, I need it if I’m gonna put my number in.” 

It was hard to tell if his tanned skin had turned pink, but he looked giddy for it not to be. But he’s still cool about everything himself, and Clarke knows he’ll be a good friend to her. 

Miller takes his phone out from his sweatshirt pouch and hands it to her, and she does the same. She’s just hoping that Wells doesn’t spam her phone since she didn’t answer, it would be embarrassing for someone to see how much the guy’s gonna nag her. 

They finish typing numbers into both their phones, and he walks away with a big wave of his hands. Miller’s gone, and it starts to make her feel bad. He was so nice and friendly, she also knows Raven would love to be around guys like that at school. 

He’s perfect best friend material. 

“Are we gonna go now? I have homework to do...” Madi complains

“Impatient much?”

“You’re the one that dragged me here, big sister...and I wanna get home.” 

Clarke nods, immediately feeling the pressure of being the only big sister Madi has now. Plus, what would her mom say? 

Both of them get in the car, and Clarke puts both plastic bags in the back seat and puts on her seatbelt. She hears the click of Madi doing the same, and she wonders if Miller left already. 

“Nathan seems nice, what was he asking you?” 

She wonders how much she should tell the twelve year old, because she’s too young. “Uh—He asked me to go to this party.” 

Madi’s eyes went wide and a surprised grin on her face matched her inner feelings. “You’re going?” 

“You look more excited than I am, Mads.”

”Duh!” Madi expresses, “It’s cause I am.” 

“I’m _not_ going, so calm down. We could just watch another Golden Girls episode or something-“ 

“No!” Madi sets her hand on her sister’s arm, showing how wise she is for her actual age. She didn’t seem so excited to get home anymore. “Come on Clarke, you never get to do stuff like this.” 

“You sound like Roma, and it’s scaring me.” Clarke checks her mirrors, and her hands move slowly to her gear shifts. 

Madi ignores her, “I’ll get Wells to watch me, and I’ll even help you pick something out to wear.” 

The mention of Wells completely throws her off guard, her hand clutching the gear tightly. She doesn’t move, but tries to put on a brave and calm face for her sister. She hasn’t seen Wells since she kissed Bellamy, and it was a whole other thought she never wanted to think about again. She doesn’t even wanna think about the text he sent her. 

If Madi invites him over, that means Clarke would have to see him. 

But, she tries to be strong. She wants to forget the letters are even out, so it’s the only reason why she says yes. 

“You really want me to go?” She bites her bottom lip. 

“Wells could take perfect care of me.” 

Clarke hates that she knows he will. Of course he will. 

 

** 

“Pick the collared shirt, it matches.” 

Madi shouts as Clarke returns to the bathroom. With the help of her little sister, she didn’t look half as bad as she thought she would. Her blonde hair was braided back, also with Madi’s help, and she was wearing a stripped yellow and orange dress with a denim collared shirt. 

The dress wasn’t tight fitting, although it looked like it. It was quite comfortable to move around in, and she remembers getting the dress with Roma in the mall a few years back. It was cute, she’ll admit it. 

Clarke shrugs the long sleeved shirt on and adjusts the sleeves to her elbows. 

Madi had already bolted out of the room and Clarke didn’t know why. Maybe it was because she was too focused in admiring herself, but she kept thinking about Wells being in her house again. 

He hadn’t been here since Roma broke up with him, broke his heart. 

He also hadn’t been here since the last family dinner, and she was too busy staring at him to realize he wasn’t even looking at her. 

She needs to stop that. 

Clarke was zipping up her black boots, the ones that Gina despise when she hears another voice downstairs. 

It’s faint, because she’s the one upstairs but she could still hear the deep voice. 

“You already have stuff planned?...Does it involve any point in time of me popping three bags of popcorn?..... _four_?!...I’m sure Clarke wouldn’t want that.” 

Her heart stops beating for a second, the mention of her name coming from Well’s mouth was enough to make her heart stop. The old Clarke would probably abandon the idea of a party and stay home with Wells and her little sister, forget the world and just live through the movies they watch. But the old Clarke, didn’t have her precious letters mailed to the guys, to Wells Jaha especially...she can’t be that person anymore. 

Her phone is right next to her, sitting in the space next to her legs. 

It buzzes, and she knows it’s Miller. 

                  _**almost there :)**_

She feels like she could breathe again, and that’s when she decides to reach for her lip balm. She doesn’t need to impress anyone, and simply going to develop a friendship with Miller. 

She texts back quickly. 

            _ **okay, I’ll be out front.**  _

When she got home, Miller had asked again if she wanted to go to the party with him. After a few minutes of almost biting her nails off, she replies yes.

It was a cycle of address giving, knowing nobody could miss her big house. It wasn’t anything too important to Clarke or her family, both her parents just happened to be successful doctors. 

It’s how she ended up here. Too afraid to walk down the step to see Wells and her sister goofing around, but she knows she has the leave through the front door. 

Her mother provided her with all the usual parental talk about parties, but she was like Madi. She was excited for her daughter to venture out, especially when all Clarke does is read and do math problems for fun. 

(Clarke doesn’t find anything wrong with that.) 

She just has to be home by eleven. 

Clarke turns off her light as she exits her room, making light steps as if Wells couldn’t already hear her. Her phone is clutched in her hand, waiting for it to buzz with Miller’s name lighting her screen. 

She walks down the stairs and sees Wells with his jacket off, it wasn’t even that cold but September weather was so unpredictable with things like global warming. His leather jacket was hanging from one of the kitchen chairs, and his arm was wrapped around Madi’s on the couch. 

She’s scrolling through Netflix when Wells spots her first. It’s like he springs up from the seat like a toy. 

“ _Clarke_ , hi.” 

Her name sounds so gentle leaving his lips, she doesn’t want to miss that. 

“Hey.” 

(She’s really trying her best to not hide away since Madi doesn’t know about the letters, or why she’s been avoiding _their_ Wells for the past three days.) 

“So...a party?” 

Madi’s head pops up to watch the conversation, but it’s getting awkward. 

She knows him like the back of her hand and she only thinks this because both his hands clasp behind his back. He does it when he’s anxious. 

“Yeah, a friend invited me.” Clarke turns to Madi, “You’ll be good right?” 

“I always am.” 

“Mom gets home at ten, her usual time.” 

Madi nods sweetly, “Yeah I know. I always know.” 

Clarke dashes past Wells, her wish coming true when he doesn’t reach out for her. Her head is about to explode. 

Suddenly, she hears him call out to her and his voice is low. “You look _really_ nice, and I hope you have fun.” 

Wells Jaha has never complimented Clarke Griffin on anything since he got with Roma, and that was three years ago. 

It makes her palms sweat. 

She’s lost count of how many times she thinks she can’t breathe. 

When Miller alerts her to say that he’s parked out front, her hand automatically reaches for the doorknob and she’s racing down the steps to meet him. 

He looks good with his red sneakers again, but with a black collared shirt of his own. He’s wearing all black, even to his socks. 

“Miller, I need a favor.” 

It’s the first thing that comes to her mind and she can’t believe she’s about to say it. 

“What’s up? You kinda forgot to say hello first but su—“ 

She turns to him frantically, remembering what he said in the girls bathroom. “When you first got the letter and returned it to me, remember what you said about helping me if I needed the other guys to back away?” 

Miller nods, she was actually scaring him at this point. 

She’s speaking so fast at him, and his hand is moving the gear shift to reverse and drive down her street. He has a party to host, and get to. 

“You’re scaring me Clarke, are you okay?” 

Clarke begs him, she’s trying to convince herself it’s the right thing to do. “I _need_ you to be my fake boyfriend.” 

He waits for a red light to ultimately stare at her in shock, he didn’t know if she forgot that he wasn’t into girls or that it was so sudden to say to a man behind the wheel...but he’s speechless. 

“ _Your what?_ ” He coughs. 

“I need to get my mind off of Wells, and it’s so complicated. If he sees that I’m with someone, it’ll make him back off and focus on getting back together with my sister. Miller, please.” She’s turning in her seat, pleading like a sick puppy and he’s already grown such a platonic liking to her company that he would do such a bizarre thing. 

He believes her, and that’s his only reason to saying, “You’re lucky that I find you super cute.” 

She sighs in relief and something along the lines of immense happiness. She really needs this, she can’t keep ignoring Wells like this. 

“You’ll do it?” 

Miller just laughs, he can’t believe he’s doing this for a stranger he’s known for five years. At least, they get close now for real. 

He points his finger at her, “As long as Wells stays away from you, then we call it off right after.” 

“Clarke, I hope you’re ready—“ Miller turns and he spots his house down the block. The conversation kept him going, he guesses. “— to explain this to everyone.” 

“Wait.” Clarke wants to hit herself because she didn’t think of the obvious. 

“What?” 

“Does the team know you don’t like girls?” 

It’ll give their fake relationship away instantly if they did. 

Miller shakes his head, “Don’t worry, like I said before...it’s high school. Everything is complicated.” 

He was right. High school comes with a four year warranty on heartbreak, loss, horrible lunches, and relationships you wish you could experience. 

It’s her junior year, and she’s trying to forget about the last one she lists. She has no idea how she’s gonna pull this off but if it means not hurting herself, or Roma. She’ll be okay. 

Her eyes close for a second, and she’s surrounded by darkness. She goes back to when she blacked out on the field, finding out everything that happened. 

How bad everything got for her. 

Maybe, this fake relationship will make her focus on what’s real. Not those letters, she has to realize that she doesn’t feel that way anymore. About none of the five guys she wrote about. 

It’s in the past with the old Clarke. 


	6. you remind me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You never come to parties, and I know—“ Bellamy sets his red cup down on the table they were standing around, and gestures his head in her direction like he’s trying to debate her. “Because I show up to most of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a week, I know. But I really love this chapter and hope you guys do too. School has been a pain, but enjoy!!

Her first real high school party. 

It should've felt monumental but Clarke was just happy that it wasn't in Miller's basement, like the last one she attended. 

She didn't want to seem awkward, so she’d pop her head up a few times as Miller would guide them to a spot. She could pinpoint the cliche aspects of a high school party being ; drinking, groups of friends, couples and music. 

She knows the lacrosse team is there, but she doesn’t know every single player on the team. If she were to take a wild guess, it would be the group of rowdy and loud boys who were occupying the pool table. 

The house was filled with at most, about seventy kids but it seemed like way more since the kitchen was a hot spot for the variety of drinks. The bass from the music speakers was blasting, and Clarke wants to get away from the speakers that her and Miller were currently near.

”How is it?” He shouts, leaning closer to her. 

She’s confused because she just got there and there’s modern pop blasting in her ears. “How’s what?” 

“The party, do you like the house?” 

Miller was being so formal. 

Clarke shrugs and looks around for a few seconds, the walls were bare because teenagers ruin everything so she figures that Miller had to take most of his stuff down. It’s good precaution, she knows. 

“Why are you asking me this?” 

Miller pulls her close this time, and then he’s whispering. “If you’re gonna pull off this fake dating thing, we kinda need to look like we talk a lot.” 

Clarke swallows, and she feels his hand squeeze the space above her elbow and it’s strange. She knows that she just sprung this on him, she still feels bad but it’s something she can’t believe she actually suggested. It’s the easiest way to get rid of Wells, she has to remind herself of that. 

She nods softly and pulls back, and follows his lead when Miller leans his weight against the counter. She’s still uncomfortable, so he takes her hand and ushers her to the other side of the room, the living room. 

It was less crazy, most couples who were sitting down were just cuddled together or kissing. She sometimes looks away, or realizes that it’s a party and things like these happen at _said_ parties. 

“Thank you.” Clarke says, she’s smiling now. He seems to get her instantly, and that makes her feel good. 

Miller’s back hits the wall, he’s finding somewhere to lean on again to get situated. His hand pats the spot next to him, and the smile still hasn’t left. 

“Is this your first party?” 

Clarke copies him, but there’s shyness written all over her. She tenses, “Yeah it is.” 

He nudges her shoulder, “You haven’t been to one since seventh grade? Really?” 

“Is it that hard to believe that I-“ Clarke points to herself, “Clarke Griffin, _can’t_ and _chooses_ not to have fun?” 

“Well...you were close with Gina until freshman year, and I _at least_ expected to see you somewhere.” 

She doesn’t know if that’s true, but her heart still stings. He brought up Gina like it was normal, and Clarke thinks it’s because he spent so much time around her everyday at school. It sucks, knowing that she was once like that. It wasn’t his fault, not knowing how much it hurt. 

Clarke takes a deep breath, “We were barely fifteenth?” 

She thinks it was a valid reason. 

He’s glad that she changes the subject because she didn’t know how long she had stayed silent. Miller laughs, but his eyes are wandering in the crowd. 

He’s looking for someone, “Before you freak out, _no_  there was no alcohol for a party with a bunch of fifteen year olds.” 

“And now?” 

“Why don’t you go see for yourself Clarke, come on. I’ll take you.” 

She was shaking her head as a response because her mother would kill her, and she would never do that to herself. But, Miller was already dragging her by their sudden interlocked fingers to the kitchen. 

Clarke tries her best to avoid bumping into people, or spilling anything onto her dress. It may of been a teen party, but she didn’t expect to see so many hands filled with red solo cups. 

She’s in a daze, with the loud music and how different her surroundings are along with how fast Miller was moving them into the crowd. She didn’t think he was so popular, but then again, she doesn’t venture out as much as most people think she should. 

Her front bumps into someone as she stops trying to keep up with Miller, but then she realizes that it’s him who she hits by accident. “What are we—“ 

Clarke begins to say, but then her eyes focus on why he stopped. She really should’ve expected it, maybe if she thought of it sooner, she would’ve said no to coming to this....but what made her feel so stupid is that she forgets the part where Miller’s party automatically includes his close friends. 

Her cheeks flush, and she automatically grips Miller’s hand tighter. She should probably look Bellamy in the eyes. 

Key word being, should. 

Ultimately. 

“Clarke?” 

She makes a mental note to never show up to a party again because of how surprise Bellamy sounds when he sees her. 

Her ears perk up and of course, his eyes find her’s. He looks good, like always. 

He looks surprised, his jaw was slightly dropped and he couldn’t convince himself that the _goody-two shoes_ of the eleventh grade was standing in front of him. 

Clarke’s words come out slow, and it makes the situation more awkward. 

“Oh, you’re here? _Hey_ Bellamy.” 

His eyes are busy trying to communicate with Miller’s, but he speaks up. “Of course I’m here, I’m the best friend of the host.” 

She’s shy in situations like these, but she could just picture the foolish grin on his face as he said that. (Side note, he certainly was grinning like an idiot.)

Clarke’s voice is an octave higher when Miller’s hand pulls away from her’s. He was her safety blanket right now, and he pulls away. Rude. “You look surprised to see me.” 

He is. “You never come to parties, and I know—“ Bellamy sets his red cup down on the table they were standing around, and gestures his head in her direction like he’s trying to debate her. “Because I show up to most of them.” 

She can’t feel if her hands are twitching or it’s her insides, but something is making her head spin. 

“You’re right, I don’t go to these.” 

“What made you come this time?” 

Clarke glances over at Miller who’s still right next to her, but itching to get away with his friends. She doesn’t say anything, even if he promised her that he’d stay with her. 

“Miller invited me, and it seemed like a good opportunity to get out of my comfort zone.” _Great job Clarke, pretend like it’s not about a boy._  

It works, until Bellamy ruins her reality get again. “Comfort zone? Are you sure it’s not about that guy you’re so in lov—“ 

Clarke cuts him off with a glare that could kill, but just for good measure, she talks louder. “No, it’s not.” 

She makes sure that Bellamy is the only one that’s left in the kitchen, besides Miller before walking closer to him and hissing her concerns. “You even said it yourself, those letters are personal to me and you may think I’m delusional, but don’t talk about it _in public_.” 

Bellamy surrenders his hands, even if the smirk is plastered on his face. It makes the material surrounding his biceps shrink and crinkle upwards, and she tries not to notice how much muscle he has. 

No wonder, so many girls pinned for him.

”I saw you and Miller holding hands, what’s that about?”

“Nothing, it’s-“ Clarke takes a breath, because how is she so sure that the fake dating thing is gonna be a success. “Nothing you need to worry about.” 

“He’s my best friend, I have a right to know.” 

He’s a bit snarky, but she tries her best to stay low even with Miller a few feet away. Bellamy can’t even know right now, not when Clarke doesn’t have a plan yet. 

“Then go ask him!” 

Bellamy doesn’t say anything after that but his eyes could probably shoot a dagger or two in her direction. He doesn’t understand, but it’s probably better that way for now. He changes the subject, but after Miller joins in on the conversation. 

“Uh—Clarke, do you want anything to drink?” 

She turns her head with a soft smile, because she is thirsty. “Anything without alcohol, thanks.” 

Bellamy snarls beside her, with his mouth inches away from the brim of his own cup. “That’s like one percent of the entire drink selection, Griffin.” 

“At least, I’ll be able to drive home tonight.” 

“Are you sure? Cause last time I saw you drive, you literally bumped me with your car.” 

“That was one time!” Clarke doesn’t see that Miller walked away. 

It’s too bad, she has good comebacks.

”You decided to drive a children’s bike to avoid driving your car.” 

That argument shut her up, even if she tried to fight the words from coming out of her mouth. He beat her. 

Her voice is shaky with something to get him to stop teasing her. “ _At least_ , I won’t be drunk off my ass.” 

Bellamy smiles, his teeth shining in the kitchen lights, although they were dimmed for added effect. “Who even says I’m drinking? You don’t know what I’m drinking.” 

“Yeah?” She adds on, her eyes narrowing.

He takes a long swig of whatever’s in his cup, and sets it down. Clarke was the one who stayed quiet, she’s waiting for Miller to come back. She can’t focus because it’s awkward now, his fingers are tapping on the counter and she’s certain that he’s waiting for Miller to comeback too. 

He’s the first one to turn around when they both hear Miller greeting a person behind them, and Bellamy tries to call out to him. He shouts, “Miller! Can I get a refill?” 

It was in that moment, that Clarke knew exactly what he was drinking. It was the reason why she saw Miller that afternoon, why she even got invited. It was that special drink, with the lemon and lime. Like a lemonade, she’d describe it. 

Miller looked like he was talking to someone in a lacrosse jersey, he was grinning and nodding his head. He’s looking at how Bellamy was now holding his cup in the air. 

“You know where it is?” Miller shouts back, and then he’s consumed by the conversation again.

Clarke watches as Bellamy nods his head and makes his way to the fridge. She naturally has the instinct to follow him since she knew nobody else. _That was her only reason_. 

“What’s the drink?” 

Bellamy bumps his head against the fridge door, he didn’t expect her to follow him. He tries to hide when he rubs his fingers against his neck, to relieve the small amount of pain he’s experiencing. 

“You’re stalking me now?” 

He sticks his tongue out as she replies and Clarke knows he’s definitely more playful after drinking whatever he did. Maybe, she likes it better that way. She didn’t like being so serious, or find him annoying. 

“It wasn’t a long walk, and Miller is occupied. _Sadly_ , you’re the only person I could recognize here.” 

Somehow, the courage she rarely has is rising and her arms cross to rest on the fridge door. The same one, he almost hit with his head. 

Bellamy doesn’t know what to do, or say because it’s a lot of things he didn’t see coming. He hasn’t spoken this much to her since middle school, although he knows the cafe and track indecent was technically his fault. Not her’s. 

Clarke moves back to let him take out the pitcher filled with a drink that looks orange and yellow. It basically looked like a bodily fluid, and she didn’t wanna say it out loud. It was yellow more than it was orange. She decides that. 

“Is it good?” She asks, as he’s already pouring his cup to the brim. 

He’s cautious with his answer, noticing how she’s actually interested. Gina was never interested in what he’s doing, or how his diet was like. She only cared about the girls he happened to know and come across as friends. 

He sets the pitcher down, “You wanna try it?” 

Clarke doesn’t know how much she wants to say yes until she’s fighting the urge to grab a cup for herself. She stares at him blankly, truly undecided. 

“Come on, it’s good. A little sour but it’s refreshing.” He doesn’t know that Water has the same effect, does he? 

“Miller got me a drink already.” 

“He’s not even here yet, and he’s talking to Adams about the game next week.” 

Clarke recognizes the name, he was close with Bellamy and Miller. The only way she possibly knew was when she’d see them in the hallways, always and usually just the three of them. His father was a scientist, giving up his lacrosse hobby in college to focus on a real job. She’s also heard the story of how his dad named him Adam, because it sounds like Atom. 

It made Clarke laugh hysterically when she was in sixth grade, she remembers almost snorting milk from her nose because of how red his cheeks had gotten with the attention solely on him. 

She kind of feels bad now. 

Bellamy disrupts her thoughts, “I’m gonna put it away if you don’t answer me Clarke.” 

She really wants to try it, but Miller says that he never tells anyone of his secret concoction and it’s so interesting. It looks normal, and she wonders if it’ll taste exotic. She reminds herself that there's a first time for everything, and if she would be fake dating the guy's best friend for protection against a love she really wants to escape, Clarke wants to be on Bellamy's good side. 

"Fine, let me get a cup first." 

Bellamy's mouth curls into a grin, his chin dimple fully on display. She tries her best to ignore how adorable it made him look, how it makes her feel to acknowledge that he was the first guy to kiss her very inexperienced lips. He's changed now, and she doesn't have feelings for him anymore. 

He beats her to it, already holding up a red solo cup. "Has anyone ever told you how slow you are?" 

"It's funny you say that because I've had people tell me that I'm clumsy," Clarke says, she's mocking him. It's obviously about him, but she likes to dig into his feelings. "-And that I can't drive, or I'm _too_ lame to drink." 

" _Hey_ , I never called you lame Griffin." 

Clarke takes the red cup from his hands, it's full. "Knowing the Bellamy Blake from middle school, you were probably thinking it." 

Both of his hands are flat on the table and he’s fighting the urge to burst out laughing. Clarke was never this funny, he swears by it. 

“Just try the juice, will you?” Bellamy shakes his head. 

Clarke feels her cheeks ache with how much she wants to smile now too, but she does what he asks. She takes a first sip, and her face scrunches. 

Bellamy can’t help himself, and she notices when he bursts out chuckling and it’s all at her. “Sour?” 

She hopes that her face won’t permanently be frozen, so she won’t wrinkle but sour was an understatement for her tastebuds. 

“Extremely.” 

When she swallows the aftertaste, it surprises her as to how she could taste the lemonade. It’s sweet, in a matter of seconds. She adds on carelessly, “When I saw Miller buying this for you earlier, I didn’t expect for this to taste like it does.” 

“Huh?” Bellamy’s dazed. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Clarke clarified, “I caught him at the market and I guess it was spur of the moment to tell me” 

He’s quiet, and it sends a slight chill down her arms. She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, but she also remembers that Miller said that Bellamy didn’t tell a lot of people of his drinking habits. She hopes he wasn’t upset. 

“It’s fine, Clarke.” Bellamy finally says and she smiles again. They both do. 

She decides not to speak about it again.

”By the way,” Clarke gestures and sets the cup down. “It’s really good, whatever it is.” 

His eyes seem to brighten up, a glimmer that makes his whole face light up like nobody has told him that. “Really?” 

“ _Yeah_ , it’s sour” Clarke huffs out a breath to pretend like she’s angry when he makes a face at her. “But it’s sweet at the end, and I like it. What is it?” 

She takes another sip, longer than the first and her tastebuds definitely are more accustomed already. 

“It’s Calamansi juice.” 

She doesn’t know what to say. 

Bellamy explains, “It’s like Filipino lemonade. Only it’s more sour because there’s another fruit besides lemon and orange.” 

Clarke nods and looks down into the cup to see if she could identify what looks different. The color gives it away, she noticed it before. 

“That’s why Miller was at the market?” 

“I usually get it myself, but I already had the Calamansi fruit at home but we ran out a few days ago. It’s my go-to party drink.” 

“Why is that?” 

“It’s really good for digestion, and it also tastes great.” Bellamy convinced her. 

Clarke didn’t even have time to answer him, or tease him again because there’s a voice behind her. “Hey, sorry for the delay Clarke. I got caught up in lacrosse talk.” 

It’s Miller, and she feels his hand settle on top of her’s. She could tell he’s trying hard to make something believable before the actual plan is made. Clarke is pretty sure she’ll always get giddy when a guy holds her hand. 

“Don’t worry about it, Bellamy kept me company.” She said it normally, like they were friends again. It makes her eyes widen and Miller’s gaze alter between the two of them. 

“She likes Calamansi.” 

Bellamy says, and his voice is gentle and surprised. 

“You gave her some?” Miller replied. 

“I offered after she was asking too many questions about it. She wouldn’t stop bothering me—“ Bellamy teases, and his eyes somehow stay locked on Clarke’ s hand wrapped around her own cup. 

“I only asked one question.” 

“That’s one too many.” 

Clarke can’t argue with him anymore because she actually had a nice conversation with him. Suddenly, she’s nervous and her fingers brush back the hairs sticking out on her forehead. 

“Thanks for not walking away from me Bellamy, and for letting me try your _sacred_ Calamansi juice.” 

She’s never seen him do this, but he half smiles at her and it’s such a beautiful thing. She could barely see his white teeth, but his smile was just the right angle to see his jawline. 

“Anytime.” Bellamy says, but he’s looking past the doorway and sees what Clarke assumes is his friends, and then he’s walking past both of them. 

It’s like reality hitting her for the first time, the blaring music is back to make her body vibrate, Miller’s hand feels heavy against the back of her’s. 

It was getting easier to see why Gina liked him so much, and how she always has. Clarke thinks about how Gina would feel everytime she sees that soft smile of his, does she feel her heart jump? 

Miller squeezes her fingers, “You wanna dance?” 

Clarke blinks, she was silent for more than a minute. She really doesn’t know how to dance, she should convince her mom to give her lessons. Her mother always told stories of how her dad would take her out dancing. 

However, dancing with a friend shouldn’t be as bad as she thinks. She knows that Miller won’t get mad if she steps on his toes. 

“I’m horrible at this.” 

Miller encourages her, “Not as horrible as my ability to date. So let’s go.” 

He clasps their hands together and then drags her out of the room. Clarke tugs back more than once, but he’s locked on the motion of getting her to dance with him so she’s stuck. 

Not that she ends up having a problem with it anyways. 

 

** 

“Shouldn’t you be asleep already? It’s a school night, Madi!” Clarke hisses, her fingers were unzipping her boots. 

Madi opens her sister’s bedroom door a little wider, and slides in. She should be asleep, it’s past eleven and she has to be up at 6:30. Yet, she also couldn’t resist her excitement for her big sister. 

“I wanted to ask you how the party was.”

”It was good, a normal high school party....like in the movies.” Both boots slide off her feet, and now she’s up to take off her socks. 

“Were there guys as cute as Jack Ryan?” 

Clarke takes a second to think about it because she has a valid point to make. 

No other boy could compare to Jack Ryan from sixteen candles. She had Roma and Madi to back her up on that. 

“I wish.” 

Clarke sighs, her clock was reading 11:30pm and Madi still wasn’t asleep. 

“I’ll tell you about the party tomorrow after school, every little detail.” She argues. 

Madi’s grin is wider than ever, and she’s running to her room to sleep and make it to tomorrow. If only there was time traveling for her eager little sister. 

Then, something buzzed on her bed and she realizes it was her phone. 

 

_Did Wells say anything?_

 

Of course it was Miller, and texts back quickly. 

 

_No, my mom was home when you dropped me off. He left before I got here_

  

 She was relieved to see her mother’s car in the driveway when Miller pulled up to her house. It meant that Wells had gone home and wouldn’t be paying attention to her. Although, she knows he wants to see her and talk about the letter. It’s what she’s terrified of. She ran into the house after making sure that his bedroom light wasn’t on, and right into her room. Clarke didn’t even wanna think about the questions he’d ask if he was still there. 

 

_Did you really like what Bellamy gave you?_

 

_Is it that hard to believe that he offered me something? It shocked me, we aren’t friends like that._

 

_Oh, it definitely shocked me._

 

Clarke’s eyebrows furrow, was he even more surprised as she was? It was a nice gesture and he was going to get a refill himself. It was coincidence, all of it. 

 

_honestly, it tasted good._

 

Just in case he tells Bellamy. 

 

_I know it does, but the guy doesn’t share with anyone besides himself._

_But he shares with you, right?_

 

_and only me, he keeps that shit for himself and his sister. That’s every time he makes it, and he gave some to you tonight. He never does that._

 

Clarke sets her phone down, because she ended up standing midway through the conversation texts. Her mind was spinning, and it had everything to do with how she was an exception to Bellamy’s apparent three person rule with his special drink. 

Never was a strong word, so she’s sure that Miller is just exaggerating. 

She _needs_ him to be exaggerating. 

There’s no way that Bellamy would only share his pitcher of lemonade with two other people, and turn down others who ask to try it. He was actually generous to her tonight, not like the boy she encountered on the track field at school or the cafe she always goes to. 

Like the boy in seventh grade, that’s who he is. The boy who was eager to get his friends to try new things, like the stuff he likes. 

Even with all of this, the sound of the hallway lights flickering off was enough to bring her back to the reality where being actual friends with Bellamy was just so far out of reach. They can’t go back to middle school, and her relationship with Miller won’t be that long anyways. 

That’s what she keeps telling herself as she falls onto her bed and drifts off to sleep, with her dress on and everything. 


End file.
